Or Something More.

100 days and counting, still.

For those who know of/are involved in my current situation:
I want to apologize. Often, I relied on many of you for far too much. And I realize now, that I can't rely on anyone but myself. I've hurt many of you, possibly taken you for granted, and risked our friendships just to continue this temorary induced happiness. I've also been irritable and selfish a few times along the way to staying stopped. I guess I felt like I was fucked either way, but now I know that I am much better off here. I'm sorry.

With that being said, thank you so much. For those who have been there for me along the way: you mean the world to me, and without your support and encouragement, I truly would not have made it this far. I am so grateful to have had your guidance along the way.

It feels like a beginning.

Have a Happy New Year.
and Happy Birthday, Matthew.




mkp.

Folds.

After Christmas = a few extra 20 dollar bills.
A few extra 20 dollar bills = unecessary spulrging on art supplies.
Unecessary splurging on art supplies = New art shtuffs!

Where did the idea for the folds in her face come from?

When I'm bored in Church every Sunday, I find myself always in the same postion: slouched uncomfortably in the pew with my head resting upon my father's shoulder, concentrating on the folds in the fabric of whoever's sitting/standing/kneeling in front of me. Today, the particular victim's shirt was beyond wrinkled, and so I found myself amazed. I had so much to do before the hour was done with. My eyes found themselves following each layer, thinking and concentrating and admiring the depths of the folds in the fabric. My head refused to let me look away. I wanted so desperately to yell at that man for doing such a thing to me. It was a long-ass fabric study.
-------------------------------

This is the last sunday of December! And because I have missed a few Sunday Music Recommendations, I've decided to do something rather special!

This is a countdown of my top 10 favorite albums of the year.

10. Of Montreal, Skeletal Lamping
Kevin Barnes gets weirder and weirder with each release ( that’s a good thing, the more fun this band’s albums become). Here, he is having a bit of a personality crisis: his alter-ego Georgie Fruit, a black transsexual male in his late 40s who is addicted to sex, has mostly taken over. The result is a continuous flow of sexual, peculiar, and catchy songs with hints of psychedelic glam-rock that keep begging for you to dance along.
Download: “Id Engager”, “For Our Elegant Caste”, “Plastis Wafers”

9. Lykke Li, Youth Novels
She may not be as notorious as Amy Winehouse, and her rise may not have been as quick as Duffy’s, but Lykke Li definitely does NOT get lost in the shuffle of sudden female singers coming from the UK. Originally from Sweden, her music sets her apart. Its so danceable, but besides that, its fucking good.
Download: "I’m Good, I’m Gone", "Little Bit", "Let it Fall"

8. Vampire Weekend, Vampire Weekend
Vampire weekend’s debut is confident, precise, mature, and clever. This is a solid effort that captures continuous melodies, memorable hooks and plenty of toe-tapping moments. These songs show that this band really is smart (Columbia University aluni!), but they are also fun. This is a good-times album that celebrates the positive sides of the world.
Download: “Oxford Comma”, "The Kids Don’t Stand a Chance”, “Walcott”

7. She & Him, Volume 1
An unlikely duo between actress, Zooey Deschanel, indie-musician, M. Ward. The result is a collection of gently, dreamy, folksy original songs and covers reminiscent of the 60s. Zooey’s voice is charming and sweet, and M. Ward manages to add his own magical touch with his music without risking the album’s sincerity. This album found itself on repeat for a long time, with me wishing for more.
Download: "You Really Got a Hold on Me", "Change is Hard", "Why Do you Let Me Stay Here"

6. Duffy, Rockferry
I surprised myself with how much I LOVED this album, considering the excessive welcome of big voices coming from the U.K. She's no Amy Winehouse, and thats a good thing (there's only room for one of those). Duffy is a contemporary pop recording artist with a 60's-esque voice that is reminiscent of the classics, but it doesn't resort to imitating them. This is a stellar album, and I play I find myself playing it all the time.

Download: "Delayed Devotion", "Warwick Avenue", "Mercy"

5. Atmosphere, When Life Gives You Lemons, You Paint That Shit Gold
First and foremost, where were Ant’s beats?! Slug’s words and Ant’s beats were a beautiful match made in heaven, but those beloved beats were nowhere to be found. Instead, Slug lays out his painful narratives over Ant’s new-found layout of live-instrumentation. And eventually, I realize that it is a good move, it shows how much Atmosphere has grown and progressed over the years, slightly lifting Atmosphere further out of indie-rap territory (which can either be a good or bad thing). This is a completely solid album; every song is enticing and emotional, filled with tales of the trials of parenthood and everyday tragedies. While it is not better than some of their previous releases (God Loves Ugly and Lucy Ford, to be precise), it was worth every penny.
Download: "In Her Music Box", "Painting", "Guarantees"

4. MGMT, Oracular Spectacular
This band has been there for me through every waking moment of 2008. Whether I was exulted, upset, faded, or just kicking it with my homies, this was my go-to album. With words that seemed completely irrelevant to any given situation, and contagious, carefully-constructed beats, I found myself dancing along. Each oracular experience has been astounding; an acid-tinged daydream that seemed to hold more answers for me than questions. Oracular Spectacular may be a complex effort, but the verdict is simple--it's brilliant.
Download: "Kids", "Electric Feel", "The Handshake", THE ENTIRE ALBUM.

3. Conor Oberst, Conor Oberst
Conor’s been making music since his early teens under the name Bright Eyes (of which I am a HUGE fan), yet this is his first album released under his own name. Upon first hearing this, I was beyond ecstatic. I impatiently waited the very day of its release, and when that day finally arrived it, I unhesitatingly bought it and immediately stuck it in my old,dusty cd-player for a listen. To be honest, I did not like it very much at first. Upset, I set the cd aside underneath a pile of mix cds I had received from friends. It was not the same conor that I had grown to love, I missed the angsty-teenage Conor, and it upset me that I would probably never get to hear any new angry Conor stuff. But I had to realize this: Oberst is now 28. He is no longer and angry teenager; he is a grown man. And so, I placed the d back into the player, hit play one more time, and pushed away my own selfish reasons for refusing to give it an honest listen. Like always, his words grew on me. “There’s nothin’ that the road cannot heal.”
Download: “Moab”, “Cape Canaveral”, “Sausalito”

2. Fleet foxes, Fleet Foxes
This is what the world of pop has been seeking for so long: rich melodies, harmonies, and instrumentations. They are able to create a beautiful contrast between the ecstatic and the sensitive melodies. Commonly compared to the Beach Boys, I’d like to think otherwise (they are more like a lower-dosage of Animal Collective). Fleet Foxes has a different appeal. While Feet Foxes has the ability to take the listener back to “the roots”, it also creates a new fantastical experience, each song a mini-epic.
Download: "White Winter Hymnal", "Blue Ridge Mountains", "Ragged Wood"

1. Brian Eno & David Bryne, Everything that Happens Will Happen Today
11 SONGS OF PURE BRILLIANCE. Finely crafted, and somewhat unexpected. Not too eno-experimental. This is a rare gem that I find myself constantly dying to share with anyone. The collaboration between these two relies on Eno for the music, and bryne for the vocals and words: perfectly matched. perfectly balanced. Perfect.
Download: "Strange Overtones", "I feel My Stuff", "Everything that Happens"

So, with that, I'd like you to listen to any of these albums right NOW. do it do it do it.

Good night.

-

-

mkp.

P.S. I'm currently unable to text/receive text messages. Sorry!

12/25

-
Happy Holidays, everyone.

I hope you spend the day with the ones you love.

-

-

p.s. Guess who DIDN'T fail chem? ME!

I passed with a C-, and I could not be any happier.

-

mkp

SHOEZ.

Dear Santa,

I hope that you and your wife have been enjoying the holiday season so far. I also hope that the reindeer are well-rested and the elves aren't too busy!

I believe that I have been a good girl this year.
And because I have been so wonderful, this is what I would like:

Pink Classic 8-eyes. $110.00; Dc. Martens.

Platforms. $125.00; Jeffrey Campbell.

Ballet Flats. $100.00; Slow and Steady Wins the Race.




Leather Boots. $90.00; Chinese Laundry.
-
-
-
-

Have a Merry, Merry Christmas.

-

-

-

Sincerely,

Marie Kristine.

Technicolor Girls

all, 14 x 17. Colored pencil on paper.

These are the first four of the ongoing series I'm working on.

They're all going into the portfolio.

-

-

-

-

Your best friend forevz,

MKP.

-

-

-

p.s. have fun in Mexico, Eddie!

I'm not a failure, I swear

I've had a very long day. A good day, but now I am very tired, and I am being a fatty, indulging in chocolate-covered pretzels, and Rilo Kiley.

I am now on Christmas break! Took the easiest final exams of my life today: College Composition (I'm good at english, yay!), and Media & Morality (the class = a JOKE). Spent the rest of the day doing absolutely nothing and everything all at once with my good friend, Shelley. More Christmas shopping. Attended class. Had a lovely conversation, yet again, on my way home with Lindsay. Here.

I am just about to begin my Arts and Crafts project the exact moment I finish typing this shit up. I'm making my parents a family-themed scrapbook for Christmas. And while I'm a complete grandma for enjoying doing stuff like this, I am so disgusted by how much I've fucking contradicted myself! I am not fond of my family at all!
But I want to fix things up between us really, really bad. And I guess I'm hoping that this Christmas, things will finally get better between us, maybe.


Don't fool yourself into thinking you're more than you are
With your arms outstretched to me
And if you want me,
You better speak up, I won't wait
So you better move fast.

Yeah, I miss you.



-mkp.

Swapping your blood with formaldehyde?

I am seriously stressed out.

I am afraid because I know I haven't done too well on some of the finals I have taken. Its my fault, I am not much of a studier, studying just does not work for me. I cannot concentrate on anything for a remotely large period of time (unless its painting–of course, with a plentiful amount of time for breaks, anyways), especially if I just don't feel like doing it. Instead, I do things that are either completely worthless, or can be completed at some other time. Like yesterday, instead of looking over notes I actually have taken, I re-organized my closet, refolded every single article of clothing I own, doodled recklessely and angrily for hours, and even planned out my 18th birthday: a Marie Antoinette theme that will more than likely never even happen. Damn us bulls and our compulsive laziness.

I took my Economics final today, and I was suprised at how much I DIDN'T know. Usually I can retain the information (which is why I find no need to study) needed and I'll pass with a B or C. But I forgot that I did absolutely NOTHING in Econ, except for work on late art home assignments, snack on hot cheetos, and share stories with Kels, Alexis, and Sabz.
The day before, I took my chemistry final. This is the one class that I seriously need to pass. I currently have a D, and I am not down for fucking night school. And so I went home, laid down my textbook, notes, and practice final my teacher provided us with, played some quiet ambient music, sat down, and then: nothing. I had the right mindset. I mean, I was planning on studying. But I guess, the sad truth is that I don't know how. And so, I took the damn test, and I am praying to God and to Mary and Joseph and all those sweet angels and saints in heaven that by some miracle, I'll pass her class with a C-.

Tomorrow, I am taking the English final, which is practically comprised of a shitload of stories that I should probably start reading right now.... .

BYEZ.




mkp.

Fully Loaded Nachos.

I really would like some right now, actually. Drenched completely with loads of hot sauce, of course. mmm.

YESTERDAY = Chuck E. Cheese, Pirates, Park, and Taco Bell!

I missed the Christmas concert, too. Its been rather boring all years I've gone (except for last, because of some earthy substance) and I over-exhausted myself to the point where I felt that I just could not be able to go. I feel really bad too cause I really wanted to see Kels and Alex and Alexis and all them. Its the last one I would have ever gone to, also.

But with that being said, today was good.
2 hour detention sucked, but having a big breakfast after with some good friends is the best.

Now, I should probably take another jab at this whole "studying for finals"thing. Yikes.


And for anyone who's reading, do me a huge favor and listen to the Yeah Yeah Yeah's "All I want for Christmas." It's on ze myspace page.

DO IT DO IT DO IT.




bff,
mkp

Tiny Vessels

So now, I'm here.
Today was a rather good day.
Not good in an eventful sense, but it was good in the sense of recollection, of somesort.

"This is the moment that you know
That you told her that you loved her but you don't.
You touch her skin and then you think
That she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me..."

I feel that I've been holding up much better.
Surprisingly things have somewhat improved with my family. My mom and I actually had a conversation today. And we weren't even yelling at each other, we were just talking. And we were talking without wanting to rip each other's heads off. Melissa and I got along once we got home. I helped her with a paper she needed to write for english on "The Black Cat" by Edgar Allan Poe. I like that story a lot, and I figured that she needed help. And I don't usually get asked for help by her too often, so I happily obliged. She gave me a smile and a "thank you" not too long ago right before she went to bed. It feels nice to be an older sister.

"...I wanted to believe in all the words that I was speaking,
As we moved together in the dark
And all the friends that I was telling
All the playful misspellings
and every bite I gave you left a mark..."

Also, I had a nice and much needed talk with Lindsay about life after class. There's so much that I've learned from this woman, and I can say that I am eternally grateful for everything she has done for me. I've known her for years now, and we have a relationship that is more than teacher and student; she has become a great friend. Sometimes, I feel that it is too difficult to accept her generosity. I've fucked up so many times, and yet she can still smile and say that I'm a good person, that she's proud of me. I sometimes feel that my name and the words, "good person" cannot coexist in the same sentence, like its some sort of grammatical error.

"...So one last touch and then you'll go
And we'll pretend that it meant something so much more
But it was vile, and it was cheap
and you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me."

There's such a sad and elegant beauty that comes with this song.
I've had it on repeat now and it just encapsulates that moment when mind, body, and soul come together and just know and understand shit. I've been on both sides of the song. It's the love and the hate of surrender, and ultimately it is inevitable.

It is the door that closes and the one that opens beside it.

That's where I am right now.




mkp

Asshole

First and foremost, I have the best friends in existence. There is NO doubt about it.

After thinking things through, I've come to realize that maybe I DO deserve better. I shouldn't settle for shit like this. Cause that's exactly what is is... its all just fucking shit. Its shit now, it will be shit later. I have to face that no matter how much I would have wanted to, we are not, nor ever, going anywhere. And that is all it is.

And for all those people who have finally beat some sense into my head: I love you, thank you.




xomkp

The point of it all

I'm so tired of being here.

Since 9:oo this morning, the house has been filled with nothing but hate. We have no respect for each other here. I missed my scheduled detention due to this morning's surprising turn of events. My mother refused to take me. She called me an "irresponsible, lazy, out of control girl" she had as a daughter. And I couldn't just let her get away with that, though its practically true. Of course, I had to go and defend myself. Of course, I had to make matters much worse. And so while we were going at it, my sister somehow got involved. And so all three of us were just fucking yelling at each other, and I looked at my dad. He looked sick and pale and the expression on his face was just so empty, though I know it was merely a disguise hiding everything he wished he could but couldn't say.
My dad left at 11:00. But before he did, he pulled me aside and told me that I needed to fix my relationship with my mom and sister. I laughed. I told him that it would be impossible. And then, tears welled up in my dad's eyes. And as a few of those tears escaped, he let out in a single breath, "What did I do to deserve this?"
Silenced, i ran straight into my room. Locked the doors, hid under the covers, and turned up my music real loud, but not loud enough to hide the noises of his sreeching tires as he drove away.

I am STILL here.
They've given up on trying to get me out of my room, and finally, things are silent. But there is still a hostility that fills the air. I'm too terrified to leave my room even to get a glass of water. I've imprisoned myself. But how am I to make things better?
How can I fix things with my sister if she refuses to even be within 5 ft. of me? How do I fix things with my mom when she can't even look at me? I am never going to be enough for her. I am just her fucked up daughter without a direction in life, just getting by.
What is the poing of trying to prove her wrong, when those attempts will be shortlived? What is the point of going to an art school, in hopes of making a career out of something which I am passionate for when I will end up unsuccessful? What is the point of me trying to obtain 100 days of sobriety if I will just end up relapsing anyways?
What is the point of freely giving him second chances when I will just be let down in the end?

What is the point of it all?....




I really just wish my dad would come home.

Scrappps.

The parallels between reality and the images inside my head are just about getting ridiculous.

Tomorrow's pep-rally theme is "Love for L.A./L.A. PRIDE", and to participate, we get to dress up according to the theme.

...the fuck?

mkp.

70 days!

30 more fucking days to my 100th.
and i feel good.

i am utterly proud of myself.


but to be completely honest, it hurt just a little bit when you openly accepted things and didn't even fight back. ouch.




xomkp

Good vibes, Good friends, Good life.

thanksgiving = completely shitfaced.
day after thanksgiving = slightly shitfaced.
today = ???

but irregardless of the gruesome hangovers and comedowns I've suffered from lately, i was with the people i've grown to love: my family, my friends, my friends who ARE my family.
my heart is lifted, and I am so thankful to have them in my life.

Life is being rather good to me, and I am loving every second of it.

i needed today.

thank you shell. thank you eddie. thank you chris.
thank you liz, thank you liz.

i love my best friend.happy thanksgiving to all.




-mkp

Sketchy.

i'm forcing a daily drawing.

as for the highlight of my day: i realized that i am scared shitless.
scared of the future, of college applications, of being open with how i feel, of seeing my family for thanksgiving, of tomorrow's dreaded but needed effort for redemption. but more importantly, i am afraid what will happen to us. what is happening to us anyway?

i just really miss TALKING to you.




-mkp

Dwindling.

when you told me that you liked me
burn, burn, i burned into the ground
i asked you, "where's your girl now?"
then you told me "california",
but i was thinking of us.
i asked you, "how can we be now?"

when i told you that i was leaving
burn, burn, you burned into the ground
you told me, "i want this even more now."
then you held me, said you loved me
but i know we were only friends
i told you, "goodbye until we meet again."
and we kissed without kissing,
touched softly, without touching
and we fell headfirst.

a phonecall was all it took to bring us together
with shaking hands, you touched me there
and i swear i could've stayed forever
but still, i said,
"its the last time, i'll be gone for good"
cause i fell headfirst,
and i don't kiss and tell.

i have been on a song-writing frenzy.
i was at americana on sunday, ran into somebody unexpected, his arms around her. i wasn't jealous. its just a bit weird. weird, thats all. but there were definite feelings between us at one time or another. and though those feelings have gone away over time, i can't help but miss it sometimes.


on a slightly heavier note, it hurts me to see you moping around in sadness, due to the carelessness and apthathy of a once-friend. i know you well enough to know that it is troublesome. i see it in your eyes everytime we speak. i hate seeing you silenced this way.

and if you're reading this, i hope you know that i care for you.




-mkp

59 days.

its really incredible how i've been able to keep up with this.
i never would've thought it would be possible.
its still not getting any easier.
actually, as time goes by, its getting progressively harder and harder.
but i guess its because i keep neglecting the fact that i'm trying to rid myself of 5 years of work.
and now, instead of killing away my emtions, i have to learn to deal with them.
but how? i have to practically reteach myself to do everything.
and to be honest, i feel a tad bit insane.

however, three people have coincidentally made it all alot easier in the span of yesterday: someone i've met this year who has truly inspired me to keep holding on, a friend i've cherished for years now, and an asshole that i've happened to grown very fond of.

no school today = college applications, cleaning, and a visit to OTIS.




-mkp

Moosiqs

I like keeping up with this blog.

and because I am unoriginal and always bored, i am copying music recommendation concept. All night, I've been thinking of the lucky song to brave the spot. And i came to the conclusion that it had to be this:

Relief Next to Me - Tegan and Sara

I've been a T&S nerd for quite some time now, and frankly, i am OBSESSED with their amazing song-writing style. Sara's, at least. Their latest album The Con really allows her to show off her artistry at its best.

So, listen to every flicker of noise and let your ears feed off of their meticulous, and beautiful yet eerie musicianship skillz.




-mkp

what i'm looking for.

I got back from leading Valyermo yesterday, and I am dead tired.
However, it is obvious to everyone that I’ve been in a great mood. My heart is lifted and I feel loved. And I never thought that leading this retreat would be so rewarding. It wasn’t MY Valyermo retreat, I had been through it all before, I knew exactly what would happen when it did. But I didn’t, really. I’ve never felt so happy to be who I am than ever before. I left with the much-needed support to go on with my journey, new friends, closer relationships, and the knowledge that I’ve changed someone’s life.

And for those of you who now know, maybe it would be a good time for me to tell you that I was able to sleep perfectly last night. I don’t know how, but maybe it had to do with having a bunch of kids that I don’t even know hugging me and telling me that I’ve inspired them in ways unimaginable. This is just so unreal. Its better than any high I’ve had, to be honest.

As for today, I went to the Otis open house, mainly for my portfolio review. I lost my good luck ring that I usually wear on a necklace. So instead, I wore our bracelet. The funny thing is, that bracelet’s refused to stay on since we’ve stopped talking.




-mkp

today:

I am leaving for Valyermo tonight.


this was taken in February, during MY valyermo. This was an incredible experience that really opened up my eyes, that really changed me. It continues to be the single best decision I have made thus far in my life.

This time, I am going as a leader. And I hope that i will be able to help do for others what this experience has done for me.




-mkp

Dripping/Drooping

14 x 17, colored pencil on paper.




-mkp

now we're saying bye









.

. . . . . .

I can never seem to untangle what I feel from what really matters.

My legs are sore from running.
My head is throbbing from thinking.
My eyes are swollen from last night’s tearful mess.

My mind is scattered from everyone else’s thoughts and problems and dilemmas that I’ve had to put mine on hold.
This doesn’t directly involve me, but I feel that it certainly does.
I am in the middle of you both.

While you two turn to me for help, who will I turn to?
My friendship with her has been faltered immensely.
And he couldn’t possibly understand or know what to say.

What should truly matter to me anyways?
And better yet, how the fuck am I supposed to feel?
How can I be expected to save anyone when I can’t even seem to save myself?

The only comfort I can find is within this glass.
The taste becomes irritable after a while, but still, it does help.
I’ll be in my bed, thinking of my Valyermo speech, hugging my pillow.

I am sure things won’t be the same for a while.




-mkp

or FREE

Bright Eyes- Digital Ash in a Digital Urn.

They invented love all right
But they still can’t make it right
Plastic or metal or whatever to hold it all in
So it just keeps leaking (insert water sounds)
All over everything (insert everything)
Dripping and splashing/making music
Gives me an ear infection
Now my equilibrium’s fucked
So I’m holding onto the railing all the way down
And I’m asking for your shoulder on the way up
If you help me when I’m frightened I’ll help you when you’re drunk
Promise you know nothing and you’re someone I can trust
Neverminding hot DEATH on our heels
But never forgetting it either.

I’ve almost forgotten how good this album is.

My plans for tonight were cancelled, but this is a nice alternative.




-mkp

know it.

i am going to be leading the november valyermo next week.
this retreat did wonders for me when i went, and i feel that i owe that to so many others. i just hope that they can get out what they need from it.

there is a personal talk invloved. i've got "know it", which is essentially the talk about coming to terms with yourself, and accepting yourself, and knowing yourself. and while this may seem like the perfect topic for me (if you know me personally, anyways), i feel that i have no idea who the hellz i am.

lately, i've been enjoying writing this shit up.
i don't know if i should feel embarrassed or ecstatic about this sudden eagerness, but it is really quite pathetic.
i'm pretty sure no one really reads any of this anyways.
the little link located on my about me is practically invisible.

but for those of you who are reading, watch this.
i find immense amounts relatibility through this vid, and song itself.


t&s=<3




-mkp

Obama wins.

WISHFUL

you're the only one i've got right now,
so let me know...
it still feel new, but time's a-wasting
and i don't know if i should stay or go or wait
should we start at a start
before this becomes the thing that'll break my heart in two?
i've been here before
many times to think or dwell or when i wanted something more.
its fine with me to stay undiscovered,
i'll stick with what i said before.
you touch my hands, and i will kiss your lips
and you will just ignore my reasons to wait.
i should listen to time.
although its fine for now,
i can always change my mind and leave the answers in the dark.
i know that you like me a lot,
but it was only just a thought.




-mkp

my mind keeps spinning closer and closer

i have had an incredible weekend thus far.
and it doesn't really matter right now to me if we are on bad terms with each other, but i do hope you had a great time as well.

friday, as you know it, was halloween.
i did not go trick-or-treating this year, but i did go to see the Horrorpops play at The House of Blues in Anaheim with Rachelle and Kelsey. it was a long and tiring ride, almost gruesome due to traffic and idiotic drivers, but it was most def worth it. i danced the whole night away. i hadn't been to a punk show in the longest time, and though the horrorpops are more like psychobilly rather than punk, it definitley brought back A LOT of memories.
i miss that shit.

yesterday,
fambam party for my neices. and that night, i saw She & Him at the Wiltern with Lisa and Kelsey. i had never really been to a show like that before. we were just sitting in admiration and enjoying every second of it. they played a few more songs for an encore at the end. it was very sweet and pretty.
wish i had brought more money for merch.


today, i am going to rest up and possibly take a jab at writing.



pics laterrrr

voxtrot

"is this the end or just the start of something really, really beautiful
wrapped up and disguised as something really, really ugly?"

i have been listening to a mix nigel recently made for me .

while things are still pretty shitty, today was very, very nice.
and tomorrow is halloween, which is without a doubt, my favorite holiday ever.
its a bit disappointing that i can't really find any houses decorated with fake spiderwebs and tombstones though. this year's definitley not as festive as the last. well, i'm excited nonetheless.

hopefully, tomorrow's plans pull through.
i wish you all a happy halloween.




-mkp

NO WORDS.

we're silenced.
days ago, we could speak.
there never was a worry that came with what i said.
remember when we could just sit around after we smoked our smokes to talk?
communication's been reduced down to text.
sometimes the words are repetitive, sometimes never making sense.
this time, its different.
amid all the "sorry"'s and "i miss you"'s there is a harsher tone.
though i can't hear it, i know you're angry.
and i should say its my fault, should say "forgive me".
but i just can't take all the blame for this.
filled with guilt, guilty of fear,
i was stupid enough to wait for you,
hoping you would make an atempt to fix this,
to explain why things are so different now, so silent now.
now, at the time when i need you the most, i cannot bring myself to speak.
call me ruthless, call me lazy, for i will not speak to correct you.
while i'm accused for lethargy, i'll pretend not to care.
so i'll wear this disguise, put on a plastic smile
but impatiently i'll hope for it to crack,
that it may expose fractions of something real.
that my lips will learn to release words that correspond to what i feel.
i try to form words, i open my mouth in hopes they escape,
but nothing escapes me but a hot breath.
i'm silenced.
i'm sorry.




-mkp

Chrome

16 x 20, acrylic on canvas.


senior panoramic picture + picnic.
then costume shopping with kels and shell.

today was really good.
perhaps things haven't changed much afterall.

ray lamontagne

"there's alot of things i don't understand,
why so many people lie.
its the hurt i hide inside that fuels the fire inside me.
will i always feel this way?
so empty, so estranged."

far too much shit is going on for me, or really anyone, to even remotely solve all at one pace. i don't understand why everything needs to happen all at the same time. i don't really know how to deal with anything.
telling peple won't help me. i'd just feel overwhelmed with guilt that i might've clouded their lives with my own problems.

its just really sucks when you only get 3-4 hours of sleep per night due to withdrawals.
and when inspiration isn't kicking in like it used to.
it sucks when my art portfolio needs to consist of 15-20 strong pieces when i only have 6 that i want to include. it also sucks when i need to have it all done by november 15.
and it sucks that i need to apply for college very soon and csun apps are due by the 31s and i haven't even fucking started.
it fucking sucks that my grades are less-than stellar and i know that i can't keep up with everyone else.
it sucks when things are really awkward between you and your best friend cause of some fucking guy who's supposedly my friend, who got in the way somehow. and it sucks now, feeling too scared to tell her anything anymore, when i know i should be able to.
and it really sucks when close friends decide to break up from a long relationship and you're stuck in the middle to console the both of them. and its especially hard when i feel like i'm in the postition to pick sides and can't. and it sucks that i know the group won't be the same for a while.
and it sucks when things at home aren't that good either, and my sister and i can never seem to get along, but i really want us to.
and it sucks when my only sense of comfort comes from someone i haven't seen in a year who've i've been talking to alot lately, but haven't talked to much before that.
and it sucks knowing that i may soon do something that i'd regret miserably for the mere purpose of just having someone there to hold me.

it just really fucking sucks right now.


why is it that when i am put into the most difficult situations, ray's music is the only thing that makes any sense to me?

god, this post is so fucking emo.

i guess i'm just going to keep listening and hope that the solutions for my problems will soom emerge.




-mkp

staring at the mirror through your hair..

anaheim adventures with elizabeth are fun.

i saw the academy is... (along with we the kings, carolina liar, and hey monday) at the house of blues yesterday.
they DID NOT disappoint live. they played lots of oldish songs, which is good, cause i didn't really like "fast times".
afterwards, we strolled round downtown disney + bought a sickk mickey shirt!
fun funn funnn funnnn.
i'm in the mood to go see more shows!
but i'm really so fucking tired.
we stayed at the clarion, and i just got back at elizabeth's apt just now.
so i won't be seeing my homegirls as expected, i will be resting up instead.
i have no energy lefttt!
yet i still can type this shit up?
i guess its cause all i really have to do is position myself where i can slouch and rest my head on the top of the chair, stare at the screen and move my fingers across the keyboard.
but i can barely even keep my eyes from closing.

i will write more shit later.

fire + shell's bday!

"orange, yellow, and black flesh trees bloom fire, fire, fire!"

today = most pointless day of school ever. LAME!

due to all these fires, the weather conditions were RIDICULOUS. yet of course, alemany still decides to put up with it. i seriously had 6-12 people in each of my classes.

tomorrow = school is cancelled. haha, DUMBSHITS.

i jammed with lisa labellz today afterschool.

tomorrow, i plan on seeing liz and a bunch of her homies.

HAPPY 20th BIRTHDAY, RACHELLE!

quit CUT BACK. :/

that is all.

siiq

so i'm not gonna lie.
yesterday was pretty sickk!

it was also angela's 17th birthday dinner at uWink.
but before that, i hung out with mah best fwend.
had a lovely lunch at outback,
and bought these:




i read some stuff by sedaris, which i LOVED.
and burroughs supossedly has a very similar writing style, so i think that these are right up my alley.
i started reading "dry" last night.
i love the style. very blunt, sarcastic. fucking funny.

also, there are lots of stuff coming up to be excited for!
oct. 13- rachelle's 20th birthday!
oct. 17- senior sweatshirt designs due
oct. 18- the academy is!
oct. 19- chillaxing with mah homegirlss
oct. 24- senior picnic!
oct. 25-26- working at kidsart for the halloween artshow
oct. 31- HALLOWEEN!
nov. 1- my neice's birthday,
and then SHE & HIM with lisa!

i'm really, really tired from doing lame shakespeare projects, so i'm going to read a bit and sleep.

g'night.

hmmm.

CHANGE IS HARD.





happy birthday angela.

coffeeeeee

5 cups of caffeine running in my system.
sleeping is defintely NOT an option tonight, considering that i will be up for quite some time doing shit for english.

and i like to procrastinate.


saturday night was homecoming.
it was alright. last year's was definitley better.
kelsey and liz slept over.
we knocked the fuck outtttttt.
then later, fambam party at my house.

today's officially my sister's 14th birthday.


yay.

KAIROS 94

I got back from Kairos on Friday.
I was actually planning on updating this much sooner.
I had written pages about how great it all was, how it had truly changed me.

But it didn’t change me. I’m the same exact person I was before this trip. I just never was aware of who I really was. I was just really lost in this terrible mess of who I thought my friends or my family wanted me to be.

And so I deleted those pages of endless Kairos-raving—all of it, GONE.

That’s not what Kairos is about.
It isn’t meant to be shared and exposed that way. What I experienced, the awareness I felt, shouldn’t be proudly paraded around like a badge of honor for the world to see.

But I will say that I have never in my entire life felt so at peace with who I am.
All those things I used to really hate about myself is GONE, all that shit that happened before this trip is GONEEE.

And for the first time, I honestly feel that everything will be okay.




Live the fourth.

autumn, wake up slowly

its been a while.
so i guess, a semi-long update?
i've had a pretty crazy and busy weekend.

FRIDAY: hung out at liz's house.

SATURDAY: lookbook photoshoots.
then, monster sleepover at some chick, cookie's house.
it was a crazy night.
fucking connections all seemed to be busy!
but got some. and then it was a blur.
what started out as excitement eventually became irritation, annoyance, frustraton. shit happens.
shell and i had a little heart to heart convo.
i love that motherfucker.
went to bed at 4:45 am.

SUNDAY: had breakfast with shell and liz.
went to melrose with my momma.
bought my homecoming dress + jeffrey campbell oxfords, sucka!
visited my grandma at the nursing home.
she isn't getting better.
so i got fucking sad.
got beyond baked, reflected, got angry.
purposely DETROYED a painting i've been working on meticulously for about a month out of pure frustration.
then knocked the fuck out.

MONDAY: FIRST DAY OF FALL.
no school today.
went to target to buy shit for the trip.
had lunch at desert rose.
TRIED to fix my ruined painting.
shit's still fucked.


i just finished packing.
kairos tomorrow, immediatley after school.
i will be gone till friday afternoon.

it seriously could not have come at a better time.
i need a break from all this shit thats going on.


I NEED THE SMELL OF SUMMER,
I NEED ITS NOISES IN MY EARS.

BEST. WEEKEND. EVER.

well, not really. but i haven't had one as great as this for a while now.


friday night:

dinner with the girls.

met some dude named sager that coincidentally knows allison.

went to reseda point.

it was very fucking pretty!

saturday night:

sushi with liz.
original plans got cancelled.
nigel bailed on us.
but hung out with lettuce!
then everything else is a blur.

"THE FUCKING WONDER YEARS, MAN!"
ahhh i love liz and lettuce.

the word's on the streets...

i hate when plans get cancelled.

happy 1st of september, everyone.

I was a teenage teen

just finished it. again.

for the 5th time.

my favorite book EVER.

i'm listening to a mix nigel made for me.

he titled it "BLUNT MUSIQ".

it's fucking dope!

Hot wax for hearts that are cold

i'm going on a mix-cd making frenzy. yupp.
then handing em out to kels and sabs and nigel.
i'm most def making some sickk ones too!

not too much happened since i last wrote for this.
school is too long.
i feel like a fucking zombie every fucking day.
i need to sleep much earlier.

i also need to go buy some art supplies for class.
which are really fucking expensive.

thursday, hopefully i can hang out with liz and sabs.

and right now, i'm considering walking to albert's to chill.
but it is really fucking hot outside, and i am very tired.
he got a new haircut.
i feel like the only one who hasn't seen it yet.

First day back!

went to school at 11:45.
i have some pretty chill classes!
and it was really great to see my friends.
plus, sabs and i have 2 mother effing classes together!

homeroom: taylor
college comp: alkazian
media & morality: warren
psychology: guante!
ecomonics: akins!
chem: qureshi :/
advanced art: mullich

in other words, a prelude to a terrible case of senioritis.



hanging out with albert tonight!

A bit too adventurous...

Hollywood always seems to be crazy.

-Liz and I took the metro, and we were really confused. Its actually quite sad because we’re familiar with the area. Whatever.
-met a cute couple vacationing from France who had to help us out.
-had a long-ass conversation with some dude (who happens to the most beautiful man I have ever seen, ever) working at American Apparel about our favorite drinks, drinking, and drinking with Russians. We had matching glasses. Except my Wayfarers are real!
-ate some delicious froyo at Ce Fioré.
- took sweet ass pictures with Batman and the Joker!
-walked to Melrose
-had the best convo about music ever
-vintage shops
-found an adorable dress with bow prints from Rojas for only $40! I plan on returning immediately to purchase that shit.
-urban
-got a text from elizabeth regarding the new Academy Is... cd. according to her, its "delicious"
-cheap ass lunch from 7-11
-walked all the way back to Hollywood & Highland, which was gruesome, the motherfucking sun cooking us in its glory. I’m perfectly oven-toasted for school.
-took the wrong fucking bus
-got on the right bus, which led us to some station
-waited for the bus, that never came
-got hit on by this creepy old man who kept referring to us as “babes” and “babies”
-proceeded to walk all the way back to liz’s house
-gave up and just waited for the bus
-saw the same creepy motha’ucka on the bus
-finally got to liz’s house

The oodles (not really) of goodies i came back with:

cardigan, $5, vintage. "i'm in charge here" shirt, $0.50.
mustard skirt, $30, aa.


So in conclusion, today happened to be my favorite day of summer.
just random and fun and weird. hollyweird.

Oh, and one more thing. DESTROKK.

Cleanse

Only when the questions become m o r e important than the answers will the solutions e m e r g e. . . . . .

I remember here

back from art class. and back from vegas.

things have been hectic and hot!

and surprisingly, i feel very much awake when i shouldn't have a single ounce of energy in me left.

i got home from vegas at around 2:00 this afternoon. went to art class at 6:30. i'm working on a couple paintings at the moment. i really wish i could post some of my newer art, but nothing's even remotely close to being finished.

anyways, veags was alright. i think i got darker. it was really hot there, though. i was sweating uncontrollably. i miss Cheran. i watched "Mystere" by Cirque Du Soleil and it was truly remarkable. i also got some outlet shopping done.


tuesday, august 19. school fucking starts! ugh.

fuck school. i know senior year will the the shit, but i don't want to go back. especially not now. i'm really enjoying myself far too much to have any desire to go back. i just want summer to stay, to be longer.

i just feel like i'm in my prime and having the best times of my life. i don't have single worry in the world, and i just feel so happy, and so alive, and so free. i don't want to have to make the switch from the spontaneous and lively to boring and gruesome. ...regarding the schoolwork, anyways.


i need the smell of summer, i need its noises in my ear.

Skating isn't really my thaanng.

so today, after a gruesome afternoon of intense cleaning, i hung out with my favorite people ever: lizzy, shelley and kelsey!

i was supposed to learn to skate. but i suck. terribly.
so instead, we ate an unhealthy (but delicious) meal at taco bell, my favorite.

and then, we laughed our asses off while we remembered those good old days, and talked about "coffin grandma" attire. for those of you who who are unfamiliar with the whole coffin granny thing, i apologize. its an insider!

we always have a good time, but i keep beating myself up for not being able to skate. i mean, its just a fucking board!

...i guess i just can't get that in my head yet.



tomorrow, i leave for vegas.

Moab

i just downloaded Conor Oberst's cd.
its actually his first album released under his real name.
i'm a big Bright Eyes fan, and so far this has been no disappointment.

i always love his work.

for those of you who haven't heard of this genius lyricist, please check out his work!
Bright Eyes, Desaparecidos, Commander Venus, and now, Conor Oberst.
he's been in a couple other projects, but these are just the main ones.

last night, my insomnia kept me up to produce this:


guess who? this was among the many shitty doodles i did during the dead of night.

also lately, i've been getting the worst headaches!!!
they last for no longer than a second, but it feels like someone's taken a hammer and knocked the crap out of my head.

shit hurts.

Chop Chop

i really would like to see "Pinapple Express" at midnight tonight.

and i also got the sudden urge to cut my hair. i want a bob!



new art coming soon.
i broke my motherfucking camera, so after i take it to the shop and all i can hopfully get them up.

this post was rather pointless. sorries.

I can't think of a better title.

i'm in a writing mood.


i just got back from liz's, and had one of the most random yet funnest days of summer yet.

we had red mango, and went shopping at a garage sale and target.
we also made carmina the sickest birthday cake ever!

i'll also probably be painting today and tomorrow night because i have lots of incomplete shit just lying around.

but first, i am going to watch "Charlie Bartlett" since i need to return it soon. i am excited. i heard some good stuff about it, but i'll have to see for myself.

tomorrow, liz goes to palm springs to visit her dad, and i'm going to shell's house to celebrate carmina's birthday.

DELICIOUS.

Cigarettes and chocolate milk

"cigarettes and chocolate milk
these are just a couple of my cravings
everything it seems i like's a little bit stronger,
a little bit thicker, a little bit harmful for me"

its 1:00 a.m.
i'm sitting alone in the dark, in my room listening to my summer playlist. just feeling irrationally happy (and beyond exhausted).
the delightful and warm voice of rufus wainwright fills the room as i try to avoid any typos...

just taking everything in.


lots of things have happened since my last post.
i'm really sorry i never seem to write anything new, but i've finally found some time to do it.


my cousin, mariel left this morning.
she's heading back home to the philippines and i miss her very much.
its that one thing that i hate about meeting my cousins i haven't met before. i always seem to get attached and can't bear the fact that the next time we'll see each other again will be in a couple of years.

so for the past few days, i've been off with my family just doing our regular family-themed activities.
Sea World, shopping, and loud-ass asian family parties.
it doesn't seem like much, but when your cousin is sleeping over for three nights, you only seem to get 3 hours of sleep per night.

i hope that explains the lack of posts.


i watched Dark Knight again tonight. with my mom. while my sister was in the line for the release of "Breaking Dawn" (i think), the latest addition to the Twilight series thats seemed to get all my peers crazy obsessed... yet, i still don't feel any motivation to read the book myself.

i'll probably wait to see the movie, and if i enjoy it, i'll read it. maybe.


its now 1:15.
i'm hanging out with Liz tomorrow before she visits her dad in Palm Springs.

goodnight.

I finally caught up!

I just got home from seeing The Dark Knight. I know I’m a little late, but I wanted to wait a bit so there wouldn’t be as many people watching. There still were.

Buuuuuut the movie was fucking amazing!
Yeah, Heath Ledger did an incredible job. He made the joker as repulsive and sickly and insane in so many ways I’d never think possible. And he was foine.


Ugh I’m so tired, I’ll write more later!






p.s. I love Lizzy! AND grape ape! haha

Update!

okay, i'm sorry i haven't posted anything in a long while.
but i think its okay cause i don't think many people even notice the link leading to here on my about me. so i guess, i really don't have much to worry about.
i have family visiting from the philippines, so i believe i will be very busy this coming week with family-themed activities. but, don;t get me wrong. i'm actually excited.


anyway, i'm sunburnt once again!
i spent the day frolicking and sunbathing in venice beach with liz, shell, kels, and chris. of course, it ultimately led to uncomfortable red patches, irritating itching, and embarrassing bracelet tans. delicious.

i did, however, buy some really cute matching bracelets with the best. i would post a picture we took there, but i promised liz that i wouldn't.


so instead, i'll post this:

yes. finally, its done! err halfway done? i finished it a couple days ago and its the first thing i ever did that i'm actually really proud of. i decided not to finish the shirt cause i'm lazy. and i kinda like the whole finished/unfinished thing. i think it all kinda works out together.

http://www.ohhmariee.deviantart.com/ <--- check out some of my work here! i need views. plz.

also, its been brought to my attention that all my art looks sad. and i'm sad cause its kinda true. its actually been on my mind for quite some time which is strange cause i didn't think it would bother me this much.

but i guess i would rather chose to express myself through art than to just draw something just for the sake of drawing something. like, i'd rather have my art focus on the concept than the object itself. and i hope that people find relatability through it, and i think thats really all i want.

i'm not sure if that made sense.

it probably didn't. sorry

alright, enough of this useless babbling. i'm going to sleep.

Old habits, room makeovers, and deviant art

well, i haven't been too busy since my last post.

i would think that this summer would be pretty eventful, considering that this is my last REAL summer vacation. but its really not. for the most part, my days consist of this:

• wake up at noon
• walk/jog
• shower
• lunch
• whatever for the rest of the day
• paintpaintpaint
• sleep around 3 am

yes, its so sad. and pathetic.

but i guess this summer, i really want to break some habits. just some things that i seem to be doing regularly, that i don't want to be doing on a regular basis. and i've tried to break this fucking habit for so many times now. but lizzy and i are teaming up to stop together. so i guess it'll be easier, maybe. i mean, its easy to stop. its just hard to stay stopped.

also, my mother took one look at my room and decided that it was too messy and too crammed up and stuffy. so she's agreed to let me give it a makeover! i do hope she's serious about it, cause she told me this once before and it never happened. and i'm way too excited now. but i guess the look i want to go for is modern and relaxing. the walls are going to be painted a very light blue, and the furniture will be birch wood. and there will be small accents of red. i know that kinda sounds weird, but i think it will turn out good. everything's coming from IKEA, so it is on the cheaper side, which is good. however, most things do require assembly, which is bad. oh well.

also, i am using deviant art again. i don't use my old account (but i doubt anyone knows what it is) because it hasn't been in use for well over a year. but i am going to be using my new account frequently. if you are interested in viewing some of my work, you can do so here: http://www.ohhmariee.deviantart.com/

well, i am too lazy to write about anything else.

i'm going to chuck e cheese tomorrow!

Summer skin

i hung out with liz last night, which resulted in one of the funnest nights i've had yet this summer. come to think of it, we didn't really do anything that special. but it has left me feeling irrationally great.

we bought evil eye bracelets. their obvious purpose is to protect the wearer of said evil eyes. i'm not really superstitious, but i think that the bracelets are cute and the concept is great. what other reason should be necessary, right?

anyways, my mind has really been in a mess. i have thoughts running through my head but i just can't seem to grab a hold of them. trying to draw these ideas out leaves me frustrated because when i translate them onto paper, the message just doesn't come across the way i would like it to. it is very annoying.

i should also not neglect to mention that i am going to warped again! carson, august 17. i'd like to think of it as my last summer adventure, maybe. i'm quite excited, and i can't wait.

however, i think this summer has gone by really quick! its sad that its now july, and before you know it, i'll be back at school. and even faster, on my way to college. scary.

Warped

so i went to the ventura warped tour on sunday, and boy am i (still?) exhausted! i have been running on 4 hours of sleep!

the line-up of bands wasn't as impressive as previous years but i went anyway with my cousin. it was fun, but i am now completely sunburned. its quite attractive, me with a peeling nose!

the horrorpops were absolutely amazing, and probably the best of the day! they were so fucking incredible. the academy is... was pretty fucking great. i'm not really into that kind of music, but i do like them. say anything, anberlin, and relient k were good too.

anyway, i was going to post some pictures and videos up on here, but they are all of shitty quality, which makes me very upset! i did however got this of william beckett, since i wasn't too far away:

he is very friendly and sweet, and also signed my bag. so i guess i can't really complain.

by the way, he has the most gorgeous skin ever!
his complexion is absolutely flawless!