Gluey Feathers on a Flume.

Today was kind of a shit day. School, exhaustion, heat, laughing/crying, breakdowns/breakthroughs, fighting, and more crying. I'm starting to feel a bit worn out already. But I also bring good news! I was able to snag a class, thank god. It's a Saturday one though, and it's Philosophy.

Earlier this evening, I started a few rough sketches for my first project in ART 429: Contemporary Painting. This class is essential to students who eventually want to show in galleries, as it will help you develop a consistent body of work. The first project is to paint 5 paintings, of any size and any medium (they MUST be complete by the due date, though), ready to submit in three or four weeks. An element from the first painting should be reintroduced in the second, and an element from the second should be reintroduced in the third, and so on. So naturally, I wanted to paint all self portraits (or variations), hoping I could pass them up with a generalized theme or idea. But bullshitting isn't all that easy. I couldn't fake it. I paint things that I remember, and experience, and feel. So what exactly is the part of me that can't explain all these things to people who are looking at my art? These things happened to me. Some of these things are happening right now. Can't you see it? Either I make my art vague, and explain the meanings and symbolism to people when asked, or I make them specific. So specific, there will be no further questions. But I'm really afraid of looking vulnerable. I can't stand it, knowing that everyone's looking at me or pitying me, or whatever. Either way, I am still putting myself on the line, and I'm not exactly too comfortable with it.

mkp.

Morning Sickness.

{My best friend, Stephanie and I being cute at school}

Even though the day didn't start out all the great, it felt really nice to be back at Northridge again with old friends. I had a pretty shitty night because not only did get into an argument with my mother (which prevented me from saying goodnight to my boyfriend who woke up 2 hours early just to talk to me), but I found out that one of my classes I had enrolled in was cancelled, because there weren't enough students signed up on the roster. I wasn't even informed by the school. Currently, I have 9 units, and I need 12 to be considered a full-time student. This week will be really annoying, as I turn in schoolwork in advance, attend some bonding sessions, get ready for Kairos, finish buying the rest of my school supplies, re-shave my head, and try to crash some classes in hopes that I'll find a generous professor who will add me. Last night, I went to bed in tears, and while I was brushing my teeth this morning, I felt a bit queasy. I ended up throwing up last night's dinner, and probably a lot of the worry and anxiety I was experiencing from the night before. Because when I got to school, I briefly forgot about it all. I had a great day. Steph and I finally re-united, and we had a mini photoshoot against the purple crit-room. I brought her my glazed lemon cupcakes which I had baked the night before, and finally met her boyfriend. We've also already made plans to double date in December when Jarrett is here with me. To be honest, it feels kind of great to be back.

mkp.

Promising Light.

Tomorrow, I go back to school. I'm pretty happy about it because I kind of miss actually waking up early, and driving up to Northridge, and seeing old and new faces. Smoking in the tables of the art department, seeing the exhibits and student shows, carpooling with my best friend, painting with Steph and Alex, visiting old professors. I'm taking Representational Painting class with Victoria Reynolds, and I'm excited to have her teach me again for the third time. I'm also taking another religious studies course with James Findlay, and he's an amazing teacher. But I'm also really sad, too. I'm going to miss sleeping in, reading for fun, visiting old friends, arting it up with Lindsay three nights a week, and talking to Jarrett as a zombie from 2-6:30 a.m. With all these classes I'm taking, I'm not going to see any daylight or have much of a social life for the rest of the semester, once I get back from leading September Kairos. To be honest, most of the sadness I'm feeling all revolves around mine and Jarrett's relationship. For starters, it's long distance, and we don't communicate using our phones. So when we do talk, its on Skype for hours a night. But now that I'll be needing my sleep, we're going to have to work a whole lot harder. I know I need to focus on school, but I am committed to making this relationship work, and I intend on giving it my all. When we started, I wondered where it was all going. I was light-hearted about it, and I didn't take it too seriously. But then things changed. I played American Football most nights to fall asleep to, specifically "When the Summer Ends", thinking for a second that what we were doing was foolish and fleeting. Now, that summer has ended, I'm sure of one thing. I want to be with him. I want to be with him as long as I can. And I'm going to make it work.

mkp.

I'm Fat.

I’m fat. I have rolls, and stretch marks, and even some cellulite. When I extend my arms and shake them, they jiggle. My thighs touch. Certain bones like my clavicle, hips, and wrists are no longer as prominent as they once were. It’s sometimes difficult to find clothes that fit me properly. But with that being said, I like how look. And it isn’t an “I’m fat and I’m proud” or a “Chub Love” type of thing. I’m just generally okay with my body, and even though I’m not a tiny thing, I still find days where I do feel beautiful. I’m very body-positive, and find people of all sizes to be beautiful. Sure, I get some snarly remarks here and there, but I’m often undaunted by them. However, I’ve been hearing and seeing a lot of negativity targeted to those who are overweight, chubby, or fat, around me lately. And it’s disgusting. Most of these remarks aren’t necessarily targeted towards me, but I still feel somewhat hurt and insulted. At a recent get-together, these remarks came from a friend. Usually, I'd point it out, but instead, I just sank back into my chair with my mouth shut, waiting for the subject to change. A few days ago, someone asked me for my number. When I denied him, saying I already had a boyfriend, he asked if I had any single friends “my size”. I didn’t know how to react to that. I just shook my head and brushed past him. Tonight, my little cousin broke up with her boyfriend because he had been constantly putting her down for her weight, and I think I finally had enough of it. You don’t get into relationships with people just so that you can boss them around with their looks, and wish for them to change for you. You get into relationships because you like the other person for who they are, and accept them as is.

I don’t know why people are so concerned with appearances and weight, that they find the need to take on the role of “body police” and enforce ridiculous rules on society, instructing them what you should eat, what you need to look like, how you should apply your makeup, what clothes to wear, how you should care for your body hair, etc. No one can make these decisions, but the person her/himself. Someone's weight and appearance says absolutely nothing about who they are, who they love, what they do, how they think, or how they fuck. Beauty isn’t so cut and dry like that.

mkp.

Cow.

Out of all the students in this class, I was the very first. I was in the original teen class, and I saw it expand and grow, and now I'm seeing some students leave. No matter what happens and where we each end up, everyone in the teen/adult Kidsart class will always mean a whole lot to me.

mkp.

08 - 10 - 2011.

[7:44:45 AM] Jarrett: I like you so much, it's foolish. I just want to be with you.

I want you to be my girlfriend, and the person I call home.

:)

mkp.

Foolish.

Most nights, I can barely sleep. So I end up waiting for Jarrett to wake up so we can skype until I get sleepy. He usually comes online at around 4:30 am, meaning it would be 8:30 a.m. where he lives. Sometimes, he does the same for me, even though I remind him over and over that his tedious job requires that he gets a full night of sleep. At some point last night, this happened. No kinds of perversion occured. Just a lot of admiring, and laughing, and wishing I was anywhere but here with him.

Upon checking my email this morning, I received this from him:

Hey, I told you I was going to send you foolish emails. I just miss you a lot. I had a great morning spending it with you. 

I don't know what he did, but I've fallen pretty hard, without even noticing it. I like him a lot. More than I can express into words, at least. He's saving up to visit me, and won't let me help him out, because I'm still a student. He's even looking for a roomate so he can split the cost of the mortgage so that he can come down here sooner. I feel very lucky. I'm taking him to Disneyland when that time comes around.

mkp.