"is this the end or just the start of something really, really beautiful
wrapped up and disguised as something really, really ugly?"
i have been listening to a mix nigel recently made for me .
while things are still pretty shitty, today was very, very nice.
and tomorrow is halloween, which is without a doubt, my favorite holiday ever.
its a bit disappointing that i can't really find any houses decorated with fake spiderwebs and tombstones though. this year's definitley not as festive as the last. well, i'm excited nonetheless.
hopefully, tomorrow's plans pull through.
i wish you all a happy halloween.
-mkp
October 30, 2008
October 26, 2008
NO WORDS.
we're silenced.
days ago, we could speak.
there never was a worry that came with what i said.
remember when we could just sit around after we smoked our smokes to talk?
communication's been reduced down to text.
sometimes the words are repetitive, sometimes never making sense.
this time, its different.
amid all the "sorry"'s and "i miss you"'s there is a harsher tone.
though i can't hear it, i know you're angry.
and i should say its my fault, should say "forgive me".
but i just can't take all the blame for this.
filled with guilt, guilty of fear,
i was stupid enough to wait for you,
hoping you would make an atempt to fix this,
to explain why things are so different now, so silent now.
now, at the time when i need you the most, i cannot bring myself to speak.
call me ruthless, call me lazy, for i will not speak to correct you.
while i'm accused for lethargy, i'll pretend not to care.
so i'll wear this disguise, put on a plastic smile
but impatiently i'll hope for it to crack,
that it may expose fractions of something real.
that my lips will learn to release words that correspond to what i feel.
i try to form words, i open my mouth in hopes they escape,
but nothing escapes me but a hot breath.
i'm silenced.
i'm sorry.
-mkp
days ago, we could speak.
there never was a worry that came with what i said.
remember when we could just sit around after we smoked our smokes to talk?
communication's been reduced down to text.
sometimes the words are repetitive, sometimes never making sense.
this time, its different.
amid all the "sorry"'s and "i miss you"'s there is a harsher tone.
though i can't hear it, i know you're angry.
and i should say its my fault, should say "forgive me".
but i just can't take all the blame for this.
filled with guilt, guilty of fear,
i was stupid enough to wait for you,
hoping you would make an atempt to fix this,
to explain why things are so different now, so silent now.
now, at the time when i need you the most, i cannot bring myself to speak.
call me ruthless, call me lazy, for i will not speak to correct you.
while i'm accused for lethargy, i'll pretend not to care.
so i'll wear this disguise, put on a plastic smile
but impatiently i'll hope for it to crack,
that it may expose fractions of something real.
that my lips will learn to release words that correspond to what i feel.
i try to form words, i open my mouth in hopes they escape,
but nothing escapes me but a hot breath.
i'm silenced.
i'm sorry.
-mkp
October 24, 2008
Chrome
then costume shopping with kels and shell.
today was really good.
perhaps things haven't changed much afterall.
October 20, 2008
ray lamontagne
"there's alot of things i don't understand,
why so many people lie.
its the hurt i hide inside that fuels the fire inside me.
will i always feel this way?
so empty, so estranged."
far too much shit is going on for me, or really anyone, to even remotely solve all at one pace. i don't understand why everything needs to happen all at the same time. i don't really know how to deal with anything.
telling peple won't help me. i'd just feel overwhelmed with guilt that i might've clouded their lives with my own problems.
its just really sucks when you only get 3-4 hours of sleep per night due to withdrawals.
and when inspiration isn't kicking in like it used to.
it sucks when my art portfolio needs to consist of 15-20 strong pieces when i only have 6 that i want to include. it also sucks when i need to have it all done by november 15.
and it sucks that i need to apply for college very soon and csun apps are due by the 31s and i haven't even fucking started.
it fucking sucks that my grades are less-than stellar and i know that i can't keep up with everyone else.
it sucks when things are really awkward between you and your best friend cause of some fucking guy who's supposedly my friend, who got in the way somehow. and it sucks now, feeling too scared to tell her anything anymore, when i know i should be able to.
and it really sucks when close friends decide to break up from a long relationship and you're stuck in the middle to console the both of them. and its especially hard when i feel like i'm in the postition to pick sides and can't. and it sucks that i know the group won't be the same for a while.
and it sucks when things at home aren't that good either, and my sister and i can never seem to get along, but i really want us to.
and it sucks when my only sense of comfort comes from someone i haven't seen in a year who've i've been talking to alot lately, but haven't talked to much before that.
and it sucks knowing that i may soon do something that i'd regret miserably for the mere purpose of just having someone there to hold me.
it just really fucking sucks right now.
why is it that when i am put into the most difficult situations, ray's music is the only thing that makes any sense to me?
god, this post is so fucking emo.
i guess i'm just going to keep listening and hope that the solutions for my problems will soom emerge.
-mkp
why so many people lie.
its the hurt i hide inside that fuels the fire inside me.
will i always feel this way?
so empty, so estranged."
far too much shit is going on for me, or really anyone, to even remotely solve all at one pace. i don't understand why everything needs to happen all at the same time. i don't really know how to deal with anything.
telling peple won't help me. i'd just feel overwhelmed with guilt that i might've clouded their lives with my own problems.
its just really sucks when you only get 3-4 hours of sleep per night due to withdrawals.
and when inspiration isn't kicking in like it used to.
it sucks when my art portfolio needs to consist of 15-20 strong pieces when i only have 6 that i want to include. it also sucks when i need to have it all done by november 15.
and it sucks that i need to apply for college very soon and csun apps are due by the 31s and i haven't even fucking started.
it fucking sucks that my grades are less-than stellar and i know that i can't keep up with everyone else.
it sucks when things are really awkward between you and your best friend cause of some fucking guy who's supposedly my friend, who got in the way somehow. and it sucks now, feeling too scared to tell her anything anymore, when i know i should be able to.
and it really sucks when close friends decide to break up from a long relationship and you're stuck in the middle to console the both of them. and its especially hard when i feel like i'm in the postition to pick sides and can't. and it sucks that i know the group won't be the same for a while.
and it sucks when things at home aren't that good either, and my sister and i can never seem to get along, but i really want us to.
and it sucks when my only sense of comfort comes from someone i haven't seen in a year who've i've been talking to alot lately, but haven't talked to much before that.
and it sucks knowing that i may soon do something that i'd regret miserably for the mere purpose of just having someone there to hold me.
it just really fucking sucks right now.
why is it that when i am put into the most difficult situations, ray's music is the only thing that makes any sense to me?
god, this post is so fucking emo.
i guess i'm just going to keep listening and hope that the solutions for my problems will soom emerge.
-mkp
October 19, 2008
staring at the mirror through your hair..
anaheim adventures with elizabeth are fun.
i saw the academy is... (along with we the kings, carolina liar, and hey monday) at the house of blues yesterday.
they DID NOT disappoint live. they played lots of oldish songs, which is good, cause i didn't really like "fast times".
afterwards, we strolled round downtown disney + bought a sickk mickey shirt!
fun funn funnn funnnn.
i'm in the mood to go see more shows!
but i'm really so fucking tired.
we stayed at the clarion, and i just got back at elizabeth's apt just now.
so i won't be seeing my homegirls as expected, i will be resting up instead.
i have no energy lefttt!
yet i still can type this shit up?
i guess its cause all i really have to do is position myself where i can slouch and rest my head on the top of the chair, stare at the screen and move my fingers across the keyboard.
but i can barely even keep my eyes from closing.
i will write more shit later.
October 13, 2008
fire + shell's bday!
"orange, yellow, and black flesh trees bloom fire, fire, fire!"
today = most pointless day of school ever. LAME!
due to all these fires, the weather conditions were RIDICULOUS. yet of course, alemany still decides to put up with it. i seriously had 6-12 people in each of my classes.
tomorrow = school is cancelled. haha, DUMBSHITS.
i jammed with lisa labellz today afterschool.
tomorrow, i plan on seeing liz and a bunch of her homies.
HAPPY 20th BIRTHDAY, RACHELLE!
quit CUT BACK. :/
that is all.
today = most pointless day of school ever. LAME!
due to all these fires, the weather conditions were RIDICULOUS. yet of course, alemany still decides to put up with it. i seriously had 6-12 people in each of my classes.
tomorrow = school is cancelled. haha, DUMBSHITS.
i jammed with lisa labellz today afterschool.
tomorrow, i plan on seeing liz and a bunch of her homies.
HAPPY 20th BIRTHDAY, RACHELLE!
that is all.
October 12, 2008
siiq
so i'm not gonna lie.
yesterday was pretty sickk!
it was also angela's 17th birthday dinner at uWink.
but before that, i hung out with mah best fwend.
had a lovely lunch at outback,
and bought these:
i read some stuff by sedaris, which i LOVED.
and burroughs supossedly has a very similar writing style, so i think that these are right up my alley.
i started reading "dry" last night.
i love the style. very blunt, sarcastic. fucking funny.
also, there are lots of stuff coming up to be excited for!
oct. 13- rachelle's 20th birthday!
oct. 17- senior sweatshirt designs due
oct. 18- the academy is!
oct. 19- chillaxing with mah homegirlss
oct. 24- senior picnic!
oct. 25-26- working at kidsart for the halloween artshow
oct. 31- HALLOWEEN!
nov. 1- my neice's birthday,
and then SHE & HIM with lisa!
i'm really, really tired from doing lame shakespeare projects, so i'm going to read a bit and sleep.
g'night.
yesterday was pretty sickk!
it was also angela's 17th birthday dinner at uWink.
but before that, i hung out with mah best fwend.
had a lovely lunch at outback,
and bought these:
i read some stuff by sedaris, which i LOVED.
and burroughs supossedly has a very similar writing style, so i think that these are right up my alley.
i started reading "dry" last night.
i love the style. very blunt, sarcastic. fucking funny.
also, there are lots of stuff coming up to be excited for!
oct. 13- rachelle's 20th birthday!
oct. 17- senior sweatshirt designs due
oct. 18- the academy is!
oct. 19- chillaxing with mah homegirlss
oct. 24- senior picnic!
oct. 25-26- working at kidsart for the halloween artshow
oct. 31- HALLOWEEN!
nov. 1- my neice's birthday,
and then SHE & HIM with lisa!
i'm really, really tired from doing lame shakespeare projects, so i'm going to read a bit and sleep.
g'night.
October 8, 2008
October 6, 2008
coffeeeeee
5 cups of caffeine running in my system.
sleeping is defintely NOT an option tonight, considering that i will be up for quite some time doing shit for english.
and i like to procrastinate.
saturday night was homecoming.
it was alright. last year's was definitley better.
kelsey and liz slept over.
we knocked the fuck outtttttt.
then later, fambam party at my house.
today's officially my sister's 14th birthday.
yay.
sleeping is defintely NOT an option tonight, considering that i will be up for quite some time doing shit for english.
and i like to procrastinate.
saturday night was homecoming.
it was alright. last year's was definitley better.
kelsey and liz slept over.
we knocked the fuck outtttttt.
then later, fambam party at my house.
today's officially my sister's 14th birthday.
yay.
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