KAIROS 94

I got back from Kairos on Friday.
I was actually planning on updating this much sooner.
I had written pages about how great it all was, how it had truly changed me.

But it didn’t change me. I’m the same exact person I was before this trip. I just never was aware of who I really was. I was just really lost in this terrible mess of who I thought my friends or my family wanted me to be.

And so I deleted those pages of endless Kairos-raving—all of it, GONE.

That’s not what Kairos is about.
It isn’t meant to be shared and exposed that way. What I experienced, the awareness I felt, shouldn’t be proudly paraded around like a badge of honor for the world to see.

But I will say that I have never in my entire life felt so at peace with who I am.
All those things I used to really hate about myself is GONE, all that shit that happened before this trip is GONEEE.

And for the first time, I honestly feel that everything will be okay.




Live the fourth.

autumn, wake up slowly

its been a while.
so i guess, a semi-long update?
i've had a pretty crazy and busy weekend.

FRIDAY: hung out at liz's house.

SATURDAY: lookbook photoshoots.
then, monster sleepover at some chick, cookie's house.
it was a crazy night.
fucking connections all seemed to be busy!
but got some. and then it was a blur.
what started out as excitement eventually became irritation, annoyance, frustraton. shit happens.
shell and i had a little heart to heart convo.
i love that motherfucker.
went to bed at 4:45 am.

SUNDAY: had breakfast with shell and liz.
went to melrose with my momma.
bought my homecoming dress + jeffrey campbell oxfords, sucka!
visited my grandma at the nursing home.
she isn't getting better.
so i got fucking sad.
got beyond baked, reflected, got angry.
purposely DETROYED a painting i've been working on meticulously for about a month out of pure frustration.
then knocked the fuck out.

MONDAY: FIRST DAY OF FALL.
no school today.
went to target to buy shit for the trip.
had lunch at desert rose.
TRIED to fix my ruined painting.
shit's still fucked.


i just finished packing.
kairos tomorrow, immediatley after school.
i will be gone till friday afternoon.

it seriously could not have come at a better time.
i need a break from all this shit thats going on.


I NEED THE SMELL OF SUMMER,
I NEED ITS NOISES IN MY EARS.

BEST. WEEKEND. EVER.

well, not really. but i haven't had one as great as this for a while now.


friday night:

dinner with the girls.

met some dude named sager that coincidentally knows allison.

went to reseda point.

it was very fucking pretty!

saturday night:

sushi with liz.
original plans got cancelled.
nigel bailed on us.
but hung out with lettuce!
then everything else is a blur.

"THE FUCKING WONDER YEARS, MAN!"
ahhh i love liz and lettuce.

the word's on the streets...

i hate when plans get cancelled.

happy 1st of september, everyone.