Still.

School is already busy.

I've been trying not to get too stressed out.

I've been smoking again (I don't think I can quit until I graduate)

But I've also been smiling again.

I'm still broke, still no job.

But I'm spent on love.

Everyday, I feel you

Everyday, I still try to make this work.

I still believe it will.

And every now and then, I will think of her.

I could cry about it, but I stop myself before I do.

She's a fleeting memory.

All I see is a blur of pink strands.

And, then she's gone.

Still, I know its for the best.

mkp.

Aquarius.

Happy birthday. Now, if only you were actually happy.

mkp.

Taste the Paint.

I told myself not to paint at all until school resumed. I needed a break. I needed to rest. I needed to clear my head. But now, that I feel relaxed and new, all I can think of is painting. Tonight would have been the night if I wasn't so exhausted. I want to... I want to swim across an empty white canvas, paintbrush in hand. I want to taste the paint.

mkp.

Sugarless Gum.

I feel both happy and angry, but very hurt on both sides of the spectrum. It's difficult for me to smile and say that everything will work out, because I just simply don't know you anymore. I cannot take full responsibility for our dissolved friendship, because I really did try. Things were said, blown off proportion, dramaticized. I hurt you, and you hurt me too. I learned that I'm not the same. I learned that I am not as strong as I tell myself I am. But above all else, I learned to put everything on hold to make sure you were okay. Too many times did that happen, but that was all that mattered to me. I forgot how to make myself happy, because I was so focused on trying to be strong for you. I will not blame you for anything. Because though I could not save you, you did save me. More times than I can admit. I don't know what will become of us, what will happen once we see each other again. I don't know if you hate me now and never want to talk to me. If you must cut ties with me to help in your recovery, then so be it. Just know that I love you with all my heart. The past year you've shared with me means more than I could tell you. You met me when I was this frail, weak little thing and you saw me fight battles, you saw me rise up over obstacles, and you saw me defeated. I know you can say the same for yourself. We're not the same people we met a year ago. And though we've both changed, I will still have these memories to hold on to. And I have that painting... you said it was too big, in comparison to yours. But in those dimensions, you will stay - just as I would like to remember you as. As a glowing light, a flurry of blurring color, reminding me that I, too, am a light in dark places. Focused eyes, focusing on me. Telling me that I am not so useless, and that I do mean something to someone... My canvas was in fact not too big, but rather, too small to capture all of your beauty, all your madness. All of your tremendous presence which has left tracks all over my mind and bruises all over my heart. I hope you get better. I wish you well. I wish you love.

mkp.

Fireworks.

I admit to being a self-proclaimed New Years Eve grinch. I always thought this to be a pathetic and useless holiday, instilling in us false hopes and superficial promises. Therefore, it is a little bit painful for me to say that I felt more than excited to partake in today's silly festivities. I wanted nothing more but to rid 2011 goodbye forever, and to finally start new again. But I'm sure I won't ever forget this past year...

• Some of the worst things that happened to me in 2011 include the big break-up, the ruptured eardrum (and the sickness that immediately followed), my first "F", the loss of my aunt, EDR and distorted thoughts, getting rejected from the spring student art show, problems at home, the loss of a friend, loneliness, and of course, self-defeat.

• The best things that happened was meeting Andrea Gibson, K112, Tim's Abstract class, the start of three wonderful friendships through tumblr, that night with Stephanie, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, my cousin's wedding, Art 429 (and all the lovely artists I've met from it), my "catharsis" themed paintings, shaving my head every month, quitting smoking, konstance, Morning (my yellow bird), and of course, Jarrett.

For the the first time in four years, I have a New Year's Resolution. In 2012, I am going to try to stay like this: genuinely happy, healthy (or at least trying to be), and actually content with living in my own skin and inside my head. In 2012, I will not lose. Now if only Jarrett were here with me. I would kiss him hard in my backyard, under my neighbor's fireworks and with my barking dogs.

mkp.