- - - - - -

So many things have changed and I feel so different about everything now, but I'm still trying to figure out if it's for the best.

In Wonderland.

My heart felt warm and full.

mkp.

Long Distance.

Sometimes it feels like a small sting. I can easily brush it away and readjust my focus on something that doesn’t even remotely remind me of you. But other times, it’s like a long, intense migraine. It beats my head like a hammer until it is sore and my entire body is a pile of limp limbs just slumped on the bed. I listen to stupid songs that remind me of you, just to pass the time. For the days to pass. For you to come home, but never knowing when you actually will. I try not to make any plans and to keep myself free, just in case you decide to come home for a few hours. Just enough time for me to hear your voice and see the corners of your mouth pull up, exposing those sweet dimples sitting on your cheeks. Sometimes, I can get lost looking at your smile. It makes me want to get lost within you, as I melt and puddle in your pores. Though it was just last week, it feels so far away from me. And lately, it’s been like this more often than not. And lately, to say that it is “unbearable” is an understatement. Because, lately, I feel the distance. It's cold and bitter, and it is alive and beating in my chest. It is everywhere I look and it is all I see. And yet, it's numbing. It feels like the worst torture. But to know that you are on the other side, waiting for me makes all of it okay. I welcome it, knowing that it will lead me to you.

mkp.

Call Me a Safe Bet.

I can't believe it's been a week of March already. Time moves too fast for me.

mkp.

Intimacy.

Today, I was in the same vicinity as somebody that I used to know. She made no attempt to even acknowledge me, and proceeded on along with her day as if I didn’t exist and I meant nothing to her. I felt very hurt. I used to be one of the most important people to her, and now I’m just a memory in her head. But tonight when I came home to letters from you, I forgot why I was ever so sad. I guess it can be true sometimes, that people walk out on you, in order for new people to walk in. Anyway, despite that, the past few nights have been really wonderful.

I smiled all day thinking of you, and so many people noticed it too. I think I needed those two nights, last night especially, to remind myself of how lucky I am to have you in my life. I feel so very close to you. I didn't even really feel the distance today, except for when I wanted to desperately kiss you. But I felt you last night. I felt that I not only kissed you, but I made love to you, and slept with you until you woke for work. It was intimate... I felt your warmth and you skin and your hands, and it was only when I looked over to the empty side of the bed when I remembered that there is distance. But still with the 4,000 miles, I feel your presence. Like you are next to me. Like you are caressing my thigh. Like you will fall asleep tonight with your head on my shoulder and our feet together. I wish I could be in your bed when you wake. I think it would be so sweet to see you first open your eyes to the morning light. How perfect it would be if I could say good morning to you, while you'd sleepily smile at me then, exposing your dimple sitting on your cheek. I would kiss your forehead gently and nudge it with my own. I would tell you then that I love you, and that I am glad I could spend the morning with you.

She's leaving and she's never coming back. And I think I finally don't care anymore.

mkp.

I can, I can, I can.

Last week, someone told me that I “painted like a woman”. The blatant sexism in that comment stung painfully. I want someone to tell me that I “paint like a painter”. What does it mean to even paint like a woman? Besides, when someone sees a great work of art, they rarely know if it was done by a man or a woman.

But also, lately, I have had a lot of wonderful and supportive feedback about my art.

"You have a lot to say, and you aren't afraid to say it. You are very brave." - My professor, Samantha Fields.

"You're an artist to me. I don't care if you are still in school for it. Your work is very honest and personal. I don't think I could compare it to someone else." – My boyfriend, Jarrett Tree.

“That looks very nice.” – My mother.

I’ve deiced what I want to do in the short years to come. After I receive my BA, I would like to apply to CSUN again for their MA program. Then, after taking some time off to work and learn on my own and make art on my own, I’ll apply for my MFA at different schools. Possibly, I’ll even apply for residency beforehand. I’m excited and nervous all at once.

To help ensure that I’ll stay on track, I’ve decided to make a list of artistic endeavors I’d like to accomplish by the end of this year:

• Make a professional website
• Make it into the student art show (crossing my fingers!)
• Make 100 paintings

The last one sure is daunting. Maybe even impossible, who knows. But if it is, I’d like to make it as high up as I can.

mkp.

Sweetness.

I made this for Jarrett in honor of today being the most ridiculous Hallmark Holiday. It's hard to refrain from being sappy and sweet with him. I would have very much liked to have him in my arms today.

mkp.

Cutting Ties.

"Hey! Isn't that..."

I turn my head, and out of the corner of my eye I see a head full of bright pink locks. I feel my cheeks growing red and warm, as I jerk my head immediately back. I take another deep drag off my cigarette.

"It's her! She's even sitting like her! Marie, look!"

"Oh... I dunno... I guess"

"What do you mean?" "You mean you guys aren't close anymore?" "You don't talk to her?"

I smiled and simply said that she just needed to defeat some demons and take a break from everyone, including me. I threw the half-smoked cigarette on the floor, and gently crushed it. I clenched my fists and walked back into the painting studio to escape from everyone. I could feel their eyes on me, even after I made it inside. How could I possibly tell them anything that didn't slightly reveal what had happened between her and I? I felt so removed from everyone the second I saw her. It felt like last semester all over again and I just desperately needed to get away from that place. I thought of her and all our painful memories, and it made me furious. I was having such a good day. I was with friends. I had a wonderful class. We had a great model for figure drawing. I was happy. I was learning to be okay without her. And all it took was to catch a glimpse of her stupid pink hair for my day to be ruined. Just to think of her for a split second was all it took for me to want to do something terrible.

I don't even think I felt hurt that she didn't bother to say hello to me or shoot me a text. I don't even think I felt compelled to say hello to her. It was a weird feeling inside me. I used to welcome her with warmth and love and all I had to offer, and for once, I just wanted to be as far away as possible from her. It was like the last time I saw her, during the final critique last semester. When she gave me a half-hearted hug and walked away to her rental car, to her home. I think a part of me knew that was the last I'd ever feel her in my arms. I think I knew that I wouldn't see her again. For some reason, I was okay with that. I still love her, but I don't think I care anymore. I don't think I can, or even know how to. Either way, she's just somebody that I used to know now.

I walked to my next class, my fists still clenched tight, my knuckles white as stars. But I saw no stars. All I saw were strands of pink wrapped around my fingers.

mkp.

Still.

School is already busy.

I've been trying not to get too stressed out.

I've been smoking again (I don't think I can quit until I graduate)

But I've also been smiling again.

I'm still broke, still no job.

But I'm spent on love.

Everyday, I feel you

Everyday, I still try to make this work.

I still believe it will.

And every now and then, I will think of her.

I could cry about it, but I stop myself before I do.

She's a fleeting memory.

All I see is a blur of pink strands.

And, then she's gone.

Still, I know its for the best.

mkp.

Aquarius.

Happy birthday. Now, if only you were actually happy.

mkp.

Taste the Paint.

I told myself not to paint at all until school resumed. I needed a break. I needed to rest. I needed to clear my head. But now, that I feel relaxed and new, all I can think of is painting. Tonight would have been the night if I wasn't so exhausted. I want to... I want to swim across an empty white canvas, paintbrush in hand. I want to taste the paint.

mkp.

Sugarless Gum.

I feel both happy and angry, but very hurt on both sides of the spectrum. It's difficult for me to smile and say that everything will work out, because I just simply don't know you anymore. I cannot take full responsibility for our dissolved friendship, because I really did try. Things were said, blown off proportion, dramaticized. I hurt you, and you hurt me too. I learned that I'm not the same. I learned that I am not as strong as I tell myself I am. But above all else, I learned to put everything on hold to make sure you were okay. Too many times did that happen, but that was all that mattered to me. I forgot how to make myself happy, because I was so focused on trying to be strong for you. I will not blame you for anything. Because though I could not save you, you did save me. More times than I can admit. I don't know what will become of us, what will happen once we see each other again. I don't know if you hate me now and never want to talk to me. If you must cut ties with me to help in your recovery, then so be it. Just know that I love you with all my heart. The past year you've shared with me means more than I could tell you. You met me when I was this frail, weak little thing and you saw me fight battles, you saw me rise up over obstacles, and you saw me defeated. I know you can say the same for yourself. We're not the same people we met a year ago. And though we've both changed, I will still have these memories to hold on to. And I have that painting... you said it was too big, in comparison to yours. But in those dimensions, you will stay - just as I would like to remember you as. As a glowing light, a flurry of blurring color, reminding me that I, too, am a light in dark places. Focused eyes, focusing on me. Telling me that I am not so useless, and that I do mean something to someone... My canvas was in fact not too big, but rather, too small to capture all of your beauty, all your madness. All of your tremendous presence which has left tracks all over my mind and bruises all over my heart. I hope you get better. I wish you well. I wish you love.

mkp.

Fireworks.

I admit to being a self-proclaimed New Years Eve grinch. I always thought this to be a pathetic and useless holiday, instilling in us false hopes and superficial promises. Therefore, it is a little bit painful for me to say that I felt more than excited to partake in today's silly festivities. I wanted nothing more but to rid 2011 goodbye forever, and to finally start new again. But I'm sure I won't ever forget this past year...

• Some of the worst things that happened to me in 2011 include the big break-up, the ruptured eardrum (and the sickness that immediately followed), my first "F", the loss of my aunt, EDR and distorted thoughts, getting rejected from the spring student art show, problems at home, the loss of a friend, loneliness, and of course, self-defeat.

• The best things that happened was meeting Andrea Gibson, K112, Tim's Abstract class, the start of three wonderful friendships through tumblr, that night with Stephanie, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, my cousin's wedding, Art 429 (and all the lovely artists I've met from it), my "catharsis" themed paintings, shaving my head every month, quitting smoking, konstance, Morning (my yellow bird), and of course, Jarrett.

For the the first time in four years, I have a New Year's Resolution. In 2012, I am going to try to stay like this: genuinely happy, healthy (or at least trying to be), and actually content with living in my own skin and inside my head. In 2012, I will not lose. Now if only Jarrett were here with me. I would kiss him hard in my backyard, under my neighbor's fireworks and with my barking dogs.

mkp.