Sugarless Gum.

I feel both happy and angry, but very hurt on both sides of the spectrum. It's difficult for me to smile and say that everything will work out, because I just simply don't know you anymore. I cannot take full responsibility for our dissolved friendship, because I really did try. Things were said, blown off proportion, dramaticized. I hurt you, and you hurt me too. I learned that I'm not the same. I learned that I am not as strong as I tell myself I am. But above all else, I learned to put everything on hold to make sure you were okay. Too many times did that happen, but that was all that mattered to me. I forgot how to make myself happy, because I was so focused on trying to be strong for you. I will not blame you for anything. Because though I could not save you, you did save me. More times than I can admit. I don't know what will become of us, what will happen once we see each other again. I don't know if you hate me now and never want to talk to me. If you must cut ties with me to help in your recovery, then so be it. Just know that I love you with all my heart. The past year you've shared with me means more than I could tell you. You met me when I was this frail, weak little thing and you saw me fight battles, you saw me rise up over obstacles, and you saw me defeated. I know you can say the same for yourself. We're not the same people we met a year ago. And though we've both changed, I will still have these memories to hold on to. And I have that painting... you said it was too big, in comparison to yours. But in those dimensions, you will stay - just as I would like to remember you as. As a glowing light, a flurry of blurring color, reminding me that I, too, am a light in dark places. Focused eyes, focusing on me. Telling me that I am not so useless, and that I do mean something to someone... My canvas was in fact not too big, but rather, too small to capture all of your beauty, all your madness. All of your tremendous presence which has left tracks all over my mind and bruises all over my heart. I hope you get better. I wish you well. I wish you love.

mkp.