Can't Make a Sound.

It's funny how my only objective was to reconcile with everyone and finally unify all the separate groups within the circle. And though that happened, everything else was lost with you. I want to say so much to you, but I feel like if I did, I would just be redundant. You've heard it all already, but I've just never felt this hurt and betrayed before. Thanks for the dishonesty. Some "best friend", you are. Why do I love youuuuuuuu. Fuck.

Don't expect to hear much from me on here for a while. It'd all be useless rambling. So once I finally get over all this and get the chance to compose myself, then I'll go on from there.

See you all in the new year.

mkp.

----------------------

SCRATCH THAT.




mkp.

Lifted:

This was a roller-coaster of a day. I feel like every possible emotion conceivable was, at one point, experienced. What was so hostile converted into a gentle, heartfelt warmness that reminded me of how genuinely happy I am to be over that stuff and to be where I am now. My heart is lifted. Tiff & Crys... I love you lotz!

December has so far been very eventful! Every little thing that occurs deserves to be blogged about. I'm optimistic and anxious about a lot of things, but for the most part, I'm excited.

It's 1 a.m. and I'm too tired to do anything else. Goodnight everyone, and hopefully I'll see you Saturday night!




mkp.

Grey Weather.

I am fucking relieved:
NO MORE 3-DIMENSIONAL PROJECTS.
NO MORE CLASS.

Fuck yes!

With the exceptions of tomorrow, Saturday, and possibly, Wednesday the 16th, school will be the last thing on my mind. FREEDOM.

The only negative aspect I can think of is how terrible my hands feel. Every joint in my fingers has been throbbing excessively in immense, terrible pain. Probably due to using dull scissors to slit 40 tiny sheets of thick, painted canvas, not to mention all the times the needle stabbed into my flesh from my poor lack of sewing ability. And from slamming the car door on my little pinky finger this morning. Ouch.

Expect my Christmas wishlist in a few days!




mkp.

Ampersand!

I’ve channeled an old obsession of mine: the ampersand. I remember I used to get a lot of shit for it when it started appearing too many times in my essays, probably for my grammatically incorrect usage. And it was then when I tried my best to rid myself of this habit. The ampersand, like the semi-colon and the interrobang, is widely known as “useless”. We don’t “need” them. However, it is a stylistic choice. And if used correctly, it can create an elegant flair to sentences. As an individual with ideas, opinions, and personal narratives, it is a grammatical symbol that inevitably stands for something more than "and". I believe that having the ability to write is the same as having the ability to translate one’s inner, most personal stories so that they become perceptible for everyone to see. It is a symbol that reminds me to keep writing (literally). It is an elegant representation for my appreciation of the literary works, for the written word, and for my love of writing.

On an related note, tonight was really fun. I love those adventures. And Souplantation. And Bright Eyes. And Crystal! Also, everything in some sort of way is suggestively perverted (ooh!). Only 2 more pages to go!

Good night!




mkp.

And I Will Color in the Meaning.

I forgot how beautiful this song is.

I've been okay. I'd go into some of the current angst I'm feeling, but I don't think it would be a good idea to get myself all worked up. I'm sick. For the the third time in the past 2 weeks.

So tonight's plans = cancelled.

Instead, I will be studying for finals & writing papers & finishing up projects & writing music & listening to bright eyes & working on art work & drinking hot tea & decorating the christmas tree. And getting better. Hopefully, I will feel well enough to go out tomorrow.


You know, that summer never stopped.
I still pretend I'm there.




mkp.

1.

I can't say that this has been the perfect Thanksgiving. The broken promises, exposed realities, and flood of tears that accrued at the start of the day have told me otherwise. Fearful, diminishing, trying, and finally running back to One. But still, I am very thankful for a handful of genuine people who have been nothing but real, loyal friends to me.

The way things ended, hopefully, only fueled a new start.


Happy Thanksgiving.




mkp.

It's All Love, My Stupid Love.

Overall, today can be compared to taking a bite out of a sour orange: bitter and acidic, yet still downright refreshing.

So many things have happened in the span of a few hours, that I feel like a completely different person from who I was in the beginning of the day. All I know is that you're a jerk, and I'm a bitch. Totally kidding, but I am sorry. And even though this is all far from perfect, trust that my hope has been restored. Things will always get worse before they get better. But I think this was one of the first steps in the right direction.

On a totally unrelated note, I can't feel my legs and I think I'm getting sick. But, I scored big time at Goodwill today. Two cardi's, a sweater, and a "Wild Things" shirt for less than $20? Jackpot.




mkp.

Listen Sweetie,

You never meant that much to me
Hope your eyes can see what you did to me
You'll always be my enemy.

Today, I feel tired. Today, I feel productive.
And it's not even worth it to feel angry right now, cause I know this bitch won't ever back the fuck down.

All I know is that next semester, my Tuesdays are really going to suck.

A-what.

mkp.

11:11

Today marks a day of great importance. Today is one of the days in the calendar that's immediately marveled upon, just like Halloween and friends' birthdays. November 11. Not just because it is Veteran's day, but also because it happens to be Leo's death anniversary. Every year, I am reminded of how little and short our time is. I am pushed to live and not to regret, and to mean everything I say. And sometimes its hard to do those things. Its easy to get lost within time and to wish for something more. Nonetheless, its been six years, and I am glad to be where I am. I'm lacking roughly a hundred dollars taken from my account, a working iPod, about 7 good inches of my hair, my camera to document this change, and the right words, but when I read this over, I smile. I smile because I know that I am finally letting myself move forward. I miss you and I love you.

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mkp.

Put Me Next to the Light.

I tried sleeping on it. But I didn't really sleep. I thought about it all night.

And I realized that all those choices don't work for me. Sure, they could make sense, but not at all in their relevance to this ordeal. Actually, I hardly even think they relate at all. I think of where I was, and where I am now. Where you were, and where you are now. And how we were, how we are, and how we'll be. Last night, I didn't know what the right thing was to do. I knew what I wanted, but was I really ready for it? But now I know. I'm in a truly vulnerable state and I feel fucking scared. But at the same time, I've learned that the only way to get anywhere is to move along. So fuck those options. My gut is telling me to do something entirely different. And I don't know if you'd necessarily think it's right, but I feel that it is.
I feel it in my bones.




mkp.

Feel Feathers of an Arrow.

This weekend. I still don't really know what to think about it all.

Except that trick-or-treating pretty much sucked.
And I definitely hate when alcohol consumption leads throwing up.
And that I'm definitely not planning on drinking for a while.
That I now have an ugly bruise from the inflammation on my knee.
That I hate arguing with her.
That I wish I didn't feel so scared.
That I'm going to miss my cousin, Paolo, when he goes back home.
That we need to take a road trip to Irvine.
That shit's just fucking been happening lately.
And I'm saddened by the decision made.

I hope you know that I am here for you. And you'll be okay.




mkp.

Wired!

Two supplements to my everyday routine are 1.) coffee, and 2.) cigarettes.

But since tonight calls for extensive studying, research essay prompts, and the usual bulk of art projects, I decide to double (or perhaps even triple) the amount of coffee consumption and cigarette indulgence. But instead of feeling focused and rejuvenated, I am jittery, hyper, and far too distracted to do any work! The only thing I seem to be concentrated on right now is what Crys and I should be for Halloween, with very minimal money and time to put it all together!

The only thing that will put an end to this truly inconvenient state is the terrible, tiring crash. And possibly even an upset stomach.

Oh, and I love pumpkin-spice cupcakes and my girlfriend. But I absolutely hatehatehate the wind.




mkp.

From the passenger seat,

as you are driving me home.
With my feet on the dash, the world doesn't matter.

Its always been those stars.
I swear that when our bodies are directed beneath their brilliance, we forget about everything else. Because just about everything in the world feels right. And with barely minutes nearing the end of the 22nd, your question propelled me back to the start.
And the only response that I could utter was "yes".

When you feel embarrassed, then I'll be your pride.
When you need directions, then I'll be the guide. For all time.




mkp.

Don't You Let Me Go Tonight.

I was in no way prepared for anything you said to me tonight.
But if you're absolutely sure about it, then I'm sure, too.
And if you're ready, then I'm ready for what comes next.

Tomorrow. 5:00 pm. That will decide everything.
My heart is beating so fast as I type away, I can barely contain it.




mkp.

Feel Like a Kid Again.

Yesterday, I went to go see Spike Jonze's adaption of Where the Wild Things Are. I had been anxiously awaiting this film for a long, long time already. And it was a stunning film; that of great quality cinematography, and an equally enchanting musical score by Karen O. Beautiful and dreamlike. But I left the theatre feeling a bit sad and lonely. It might have been the overwhelming amount of rude preteen chattering throughout the entirety of the film, or possibly even my attachment to Maurice Sendak’s book that I kept gravitating towards, but I felt downright miserable at some points of the movie. The emotional depth was definitely something I wasn’t prepared for, and with that being said, this is NOT a film for children 10 and under. Where the Wild Things Are exposed the heartbreaking end of childhood innocence, but it also celebrated its eternal essence lingering within each of us at the same time. Some childishness has definitely been reignited in my jaded and stressed eighteen-year old body.

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And it is really quite beautiful.

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mkp.

I Feel it in My Bones.

I hate this feeling. This divided feeling to both surrender and keep fighting. To keep fighting for what I want, maybe for even what I need. Because I feel that maybe, somehow, it will all be worth it. Sure, there is a part of me that surely wants to call it off. But the greater half want to keep plunging through. This situation is far too complicated, that I can't even untangle what I feel from what matters most. I guess I just don't know what the right thing is to do.

But what I do know is that I'm not the only one going through this. That there is someone who I can directly relate to. And that our friendship has definitely been strengthened through our similar situations. And it's a relief to know that you've got my back and I've got yours.




mkp.

My Poor, Severed Hand.

My sad index finger. Sliced and cut and pricked and punctured.

It is a small price to pay for a guaranteed passing grade on this project. I'm (finally) proud to say that (finally) the first half of this endeavor is (FINALLY) complete! NO MORE FATAL CARDBOARD CONSTRUCTING. Now, I just need to go over all the planes with the wire. This process doesn't require as much labor (or blood lost), but it is still just as dangerous. And time-consuming. Wire is sharp. A little piece got away and jumped at me just as I cut it, and now there is a scratch on my cheekbone. Soon enough, my face will match my hands!

I'm afraid that shortly after this semester, I will develop an irrational fear/disdain towards cardboard, fences, x-acto knives, and Spongebob band-aids. Or anything that merely even mentions the words: "three-dimensional", for that matter.

Fuck it. I want to learn sign language.




mkp.

"How can you not laugh at that!"

Kelsey's right.

You know that noise of really, really laughing? It truly is the most beautiful noise ever. It is the noise that perfectly encapsulates what it means to live. It adds purpose to living and being happy in world undergoing sadder times. But my favorite thing about really, really laughing is when laughter feeds off of another's - creating an endless chain of laughing-induced euphoria. And luckily for me, that is what happens every single time I hang out with Tiff, Kels, and Crys. But mostly Tiff. That girl be crazy. Ditching class yesterday was totally worth it... even though I now have piles of work to complete if I want to make it on Saturday. But in turn, I got to spend time with some of my favorite people.

Oh, and I'm really sorry again for laughing at you that time you fell.

But it was fucking funny.




mkp.

Start Again.

October is going to be a very busy month for me!

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mkp.

Every morning, it's a clean up.

Finally.

Finally, it is Friday. The start to a much-needed weekend.

These past four days have been too much. My body has been so over-worked, that it is now throbbing in in a completely sore and painful state. My mind has been running through diagrams, thinking of methods and foolproof approaches to construct this thing, that my brain is now fried, and any type of contemplation just leads to anonymity and frustration. And last night I finally had the time to get a good night's sleep, but I still woke up with everything aching.

This 3-D design class is not a beginner's class, nor an introduction. If anything, it should be called "Labor-Intensive Extremity". And I have the battle scars to prove it, scattered all along my fingers, hands, arms. I look profoundly emo, as if those scars were self-inflicted. And when I am asked about them, I wonder how believable it is, when I have to respond with "I got injured while using a dull utility knife to cut through a sea of cardboard planes... Oh, but I got this one when I cut the wire, and it ended up slicing me. ...Oh and this one was from the steel ruler... This one from the shitty cardboard itself." Fuck.

Oh, and Best Friend... I owe a lot to you. Seriously, I'd be in a lot of fucking trouble, without all your help. Thank you, for realz.

So like I was saying, this weekend came at just about the right time. I feel like I've isolated myself within this project all week, that friends and loved ones have been put on hold. And I am sorry. But don't worry. Tomorrow, we will finally catch up!





mkp.

To the left, to the left.

My 3-D Beginners class is a disaster. Not only am I completely clueless as to what I'm doing, but I'm also ill-prepared during each meet. I still haven't found the time to re-train my brain into creating non-representational, actual, abstract objects that you can see and feel and touch. No illusions. This is where my many years of 2-dimensional training has perhaps conned me. I've probably never been more confused by a class in my entire life. This project... I don't know, I need some serious guidance with it.

Also someone has really hurt me, and I'm finding it much harder than I thought it would be to be their friend. But I'm not the girl who breaks her promises. And since I promised you that I'd be here for you through thick and thin, that's what I'm going to do.

But in spite of all this bullshit, there are still things to be very excited for.
- Today happens to be Elizabeth's birthday! Love you much.
- This weekend = Malibu, Getty, Medieval Times (yes).

- And Friday=

Yes. Rachelle fucking Amor.

I've missed my Candy Ass way too much, and we've been separated for far too long! A 3 hour drive to-and-from will surely be enough time to catch up with her.

- Oh, and Folk You. Kelsey and I have got something really special for you all. You should be very, very excited.




mkp.

Yellow Bird.

I'm not good, but I'm just okay.

Perhaps it was bad timing, or really just a disappearing act, but I can't and won't make her do something she just can't. Its the realizations that I stumbled into last night that really just summed it all up for me. That I don't regret any word said or action made, because they were real. And that no matter what will happen in the near future, I know in my heart that I really did have the best days of my life with her. Friend or lover, or whatever role she played, she taught me that I can trust myself; that its okay to have made mistakes before; that it is never too late. And there are no words that will express how I much I appreciate that. I love you and I always will.

And so now, I'll go from here.




mkp.

Hope that you'll hear me, know that I wrote to you.

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Listen.

I really kind of just want to scream into a pillow right now. But I think I'll take another jab at writing and chain smoke instead.

I've probably written about 10 of these songs.




mkp.

-------

I remember here.
But I don't remember it being anything like this.


You are the sun gone down, you are the sky
You are the moon rushed round
You are goodbye.





mkp.

Response to "Drawing Black P."

First and foremost, I regret that I find myself here right now, typing away on this computer, a response to someone who is a definite assessment unworthy of my time. The entry discussed in this response was brought to my attention by a friend. The only purpose this serves is to set things straight and to clear things up, before I am perceived as someone who I am not. My intentions are not to embarrass, be-little, or “shit-talk” you, so don’t identify my words as offensive. I’m just here to tell it like it is.

P1. Everyone “shit-talks”. And I would have gladly done so in your face, but was instructed not to do so. Fear was never an issue.

P2. Everyone has their own opinions on what is pretty, beautiful, etc. And it’s fine that you don’t think of me in those terms. Likewise.

P3. I’m not jealous of you, trust me.

P4. If someone were to ask me to describe myself in six words, “sweet, polite, understanding, nice, thoughtful, and happy” wouldn’t even be the first ones to come to mind. So, no offense there.

P5. Though I consider myself the “black sheep” of my family, I never considered myself as “suicidal”; in fact, far from. And last time I checked, your family isn’t perfect either.

P6. “Puffs n’ passes, sniffs, pills, and needles”? Those all pertain to a subject that should never be spoken of lightly or mockingly. It is a foolish act, considering how little you know of me. It is also highly offensive to several people.

P8. Likewise. Except I don’t say anything unless it is purely the truth.

P11. I’m sure that there aren’t any photos of my vagina online, or moreover “bending over at a party”. So before you make a claim such as this, you should first make sure that there is substantial proof. Otherwise, you’re just a liar.

P13. I’m not obsessed with you. Last time I checked, I was not regularly reading my ex-girlfriend’s current girlfriend’s blog, nor compulsively prying into their current relationship. I also did not write a terribly-written rant/poem in free-verse about how much I hate the new girlfriend.

P18. Thanks for your observation concerning my body. Like I haven’t heard any of those before. I never knew that you were so satisfied with yours.

P19. “What comes around goes around”. I agree.

P21. It’s one thing to (attempt to) violate me, but its entirely different to do so with a friend I’ve known for 11 years. I will not and will never “suck his dick”, even if that was “what I’m good for”. Also, he never “fucked me over literally and emotionally”. He's only been a great friend.

Once again, it’s stupid to spread lies that are false. If you intend on trying to humiliate me, I suggest you do so with the TRUTH.




mkp.

If Things Start Splitting at the Seams

It's one of the worst situations in the world when you and the person you care about the most are among rocky paths. And though I am certain that we will, in time, surpass this ordeal, every second that we share in complete and utter silence just kills me.

Let's please fix this now.

............................................
...................................
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..............
.





mkp.

Healing.

Leo Mari Pascual. 1983-2003. Rest in Peace.

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"Hope is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,

And never stops at all,
And sweetest in the gale is heard;

And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird

That kept so many warm.
I've heard it in the chillest land,

And on the strangest sea;

Yet, never, in extremity,

It asked a crumb of me. "

-Emily Dickinson

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mkp.

Fall '09.

So far the first two days of school have been overwhelming. Overwhelming as in "why are the lines so long", "why are all the buildings so far apart", "why are art supplies so fucking expensive", overwhelming. And I have to yet to buy by textbooks.
As for the teachers, I've got a scatter-minded loudmouth, a sardonic type with the extensive vocabulary, the Asian woman who is completely incomprehensible, and the old/dull/boring art teacher. And I'm tired from walking this entire day. I walked across campus several times, down some strange path, looked for smooth rocks for my 3D-design project, all the way to my friend's dorm room, back to the campus, and all over the place seeking for some goddamn 22 galvanized steel wire and inexpensive non-gloss 18"x24" paper, both of which I was unable to find.
But with all that said, college seems okay so far. Though I forgot how to study, and now have to teach myself how to, I prefer it already to the pathetic excuse I was given for a high school. Now I just need to make some money.




mkp.

Intimately

This Marie Claire editorial featuring Ashley Olsen was so refreshing and pretty, amidst all the dark, heavy, and grungy pieces expected for autumn. This romantic, light and airy, antique/lingerie feeling looks so beautiful! Very 1930's. And though it isn't all that practical (or appropriate) for the colder weather, I feel inspired already.

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mkp.

Summer.

So, I didn't get around to accomplishing my list of summer-things-to-do. Still no job, no licence. A lot of wasted money that I probably should have saved for school supplies, spent on thrifting and vintage finds, new books, birthday presents, sushi dinners, and coffee. And I wake up feeling like, in some sense, a majority of these days were wasted on locking myself inside a good book or by playing stupid addicting computer games on my laptop. But in spite of all this, the time was time well-spent. I've learned to make time for my family while holding on to my close friends. I've been doing a whole lot of writing and painting again. I've spent a lot of time with the girl I love. This is my last summer before I go to college.

And after today, I've got 8 days left.



mkp.

Stuffed.

Tonight was Marian's 18th dinner party thing at Khun Dang.

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You'd think (with the obscene amount of beef there) that my No-Red-Meat Policy would allow me to only eat enough to feel decently full. But I could have really just drank my weight in Thai Iced Tea and coffee. ...and sweet delicious black balls. Erm, I mean boba.
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I feel sick and tired and I want to sleep or something but am too awake to do so. I figure that I'll use this time to paint for a little bit, maybe?

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Too. Much. But sooo goood.

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mkp.

Thirsty.

I don't know why I reacted the way I did.

I guess you could say that I'm a tad bit irritated by all of it. And apparently, I do have some sort of problem with it, but I wouldn't say that I would be mad. It's obviously YOUR life, where you make the choices. So, I'm not going to be the one who tells you what to do.

I don't have the clearest understanding as to why that happened though. I guess its also been in my mind. Fuck, it HAS been for a while, now. Sometimes I just want to, but then I think of all that I would be throwing away. Stop right in my tracks. I turn around, instead of surrendering. But I can't deny that there's a definite growing fire somewhere inside of me. And now I just want to feed it.

I don't know exactly what to make of this.




mkp.

THREE.

Its always really sad to have to say goodbye to a friend, knowing that hangouts will be limited, run-into's will practically become non-existent, and (until I get a new phone) conversation will be nearly impossible. But with that being said, I have faith knowing that some of my friendships can and will withstand anything. This being one of them. And so, I'm wishing her the very best of luck for when she moves to San Francisco very, very soon.

Also, today is a very special day. Wednesday, July 22. For me─ someone who considered any form of commitment to be a miserable ordeal─ 3 months happens to be a long time.

And I'm going to see this with her today. I'm so excited for it, I feel like an excited 5-year-old on Christmas eve.





mkp.

And Darling.

I swear I woke up smiling.

Whatever yesterday was, it certainly hasn't left my system.

Maybe it was the brownies, or the terrible driving. Maybe it was the sad disappointment of an highly-anticipated Harry Potter film. Or maybe just all the adventures at Venice Beach, complete with wasted strangers and faint stars. Or It could have been the unexpected affect of delicious Vietnamese food, and food coma.

And then the tears.

But I know it had to do with all those lyrics I heard playing through the stereo. They dismissed any doubt still instilled in my mind, leaving just the feeling of certainty.

And everything in the world felt right.




mkp.

If you'll be my star, I'll be your sky.

Tonight was the absolute greatest.
No doubt about it in my mind.
Everything was perfect.
I guess there's just something about lying down under a blanket of brilliant stars right next to the person you love.

Next week = 3.

I can't believe how quickly time flies.




mkp.

Baby Taylor.

$300.

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DO WANT.

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mkp.

Nosebleed.

Every summer, I am condemned to several deadly cases of the Nosebleed. This usually involves tons of tissues, cold showers, and ice cubes. Finally, after an hour of lost bloody tissues, I can type away.

Since my last post, Crystal got back home, I've dyed my hair jet-black, finally gotten my permit again, and started helping to re-paint and re-furnish the house. By the end of the summer, I hope to have finished painting and redecorating my room. And hopefully I'll have my licence as well. And I hope sometime in August, I'll get to go over to Frisco with Kelsey for a weekend. My plans never work out, but I hope these will pull through.

Oh, and I've gotten back into painting again.

I'd say that this is about 35 - 40% complete. I'm EXCITE.

mkp.

14.

Few tears shed, bags of swap meet finds, newly dyed jet black hair, phonecalls with a military friend, sleepovers, a driver's permit, and an immaculately-cleaned closet later, I now find myself counting down the hours.

You'll be home so soon, and I can't wait.




mkp.

Dirty Love.

Today was a good day. You're home in 9!

mkp.

2.

Today closed the 2-day viewing.
Yesterday was Father's Day, as well as my father's birthday.
He'll be on a plane tomorrow to Philippines to bid his mother a final farewell with the remaining 12 of his siblings and family over there.

And today is our 2 months.
I want to say that I love you and miss you.
But too bad you're so far, far away.




mkp.

Up.

"Leo... Do you like it up there?"
"Yes. But there are a lot of vacancies."

I hope she's filled an empty seat. Tell her I miss her and love her so.


R.I.P. Grandmother Remedios Pascual.




mkp.

Still Full.

&

The good thing about all these stupid little fights is that she'll always try to buy my love back.

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1 day left.

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mkp.

You, you keep me warm.

Yesterday closed the busiest and most eventful 10 days of my life.

In those 10 days, I have managed to split my personal life between family and friends in the most frantic conceivable way. I’ve attended Rachelle’s Welcome Home Party, finally gone to Santa Monica (after several failed attempts to do so), got an Identification Card, went to Disneyland, at ate at BJs, slept over at Crystal’s twice, spent time with Lisa (sushi + World Market + bitter chocolate + Borders + Guitar Center jam session with complete strangers), wrote a new song, and had brunch with Shell, all while visiting my dying grandmother at least once everyday.

Yesterday’s plans didn’t work out as well as we hoped. The plan was to personally wish Rachelle the best of luck before she boarded the plane. But we didn’t catch her. Still, yesterday was really good. Driving around LAX, DJing, eating at Panda Express, going to Pizza Hut, movie-hopping, knocking out, basketball, shit-talking sessions, hiking up hills in Porter Ranch, playing in the playground, engorging in pizza and all-that-jazz couldn’t have been more fun.

A list of chores to be completed and 7 new bug bites later, I’m sick. My throat is sore and my temperature keeps switching from hot to cold. Right now, I’m quite cold.

But it’s okay. You keep me warm.




mkp.

Wilderness.

I graduated on Saturday. Officially, I am now considered "alumni" of Alemany. I have to say that I've never been more proud of who I am than now. All the tremendous obstacles I have surpassed over these past 4 years were both appealing and intimidating; the painstaking changes I have watched myself become over and over again were absolutely crucial because they have led me here. And the talks I heard given by students and Fr. Paul were truly endearing. And Mr. Crespo gave me a hug and made me cry. And then my embarrassing, picture-taking family. And then my friends. And then seeing my beautiful girlfriend. I was so happy. And I am still so happy to have these moments be etched into my memory forever.

Yesterday, I saw Rachelle for the first time since she left for Boot Camp. Surprises, cookie-cakes, family parties, and we finally got to the beach. I have her so much. She's a Marine!

Today, will be good as well.

And the tears they did roll from the salty sea, the rainy sky and the wide eye, the wide eyes. My heart it did swell, as the grandest of stars burst out names in the skies. I can see but a thousand of families and friends I have thought but long gone. And the thunder claps hands as I embrace them. And we held out to every single last word.

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mkp.

Last Day of Magic.

Today was equivalent to NOT sleeping in from a long night, waking up fucking early, visiting Crystal at 8:30 in the morning, watching Love Actually, "hands off", rain, taco bell, bittersweet conversations, 5 minute-showers, using the blow dryer to iron my graduation gown, shit-talking, standing in lines, Baccalaureate Mass, falling asleep during readings, picture-taking, "I Like You So Much Better When You're Naked", leis, home.

This week was probably more eventful than any single week in my entire life. But the good part of it all was being able to spend a lot of time with a girl that means a whole lot to me; Who I am really going to miss when she is gone for 2 weeks; Who celebrated her 19th birthday this past Wednesday, by the way.

Tomorrow, I finally will graduate. Class of 2009.

Oh, and one last thing to humiliate myself with:
That is probably the only award I could ever be qualified for.




mkp.

The Big Sleep.

Yesterday was the last free-dress Friday.
I received my last yearbook, which will be signed by everyone I love dearly, as well those whom I don't recall ever having a full-on conversation with.
Last Wednesday, the last Independent Film Club meeting; "The Royal Tenenbaums", and an overload of cupcakes and sweets.
This Monday will be the last real high school-day of my life.

And in 7 days, I will officially be getting off this roller coaster.

But for now, I am working on the last high school project that will ever be assigned, BS-ing it entirely, like I always do. I am still disappointed by my CSUN placement testing results. But I always have known that math is not and never will be my calling. Aside from all that, I don't exactly know what to do now from here. Rachelle will be coming back for 10 days, and then I will have to deal with Crys gone for 2 weeks, without any means of communicating with her. I will be on my way to college. It's fucking scary, and as much as I push these thoughts away, I realize now that I need to be prepared for when it all happens.

But yesterday was great.
Of course, our plans sadly did not pull through. But the changes were relevant to mushy love letters, Mongolian BBQ, church festivals, Burbank adventures, Pho 999, and all that jazz. We did not get to experience "Up", but things are always funner when its spontaneous.


How can it be the last show? How can it be? And already my voice is fading. Goodbye my dears, and into the big sleep.




mkp.

Feeling This.

The past two days have just been so wonderful. Prom was more fun that I had ever expected. I danced the entire night away in spite of a tiring bus ride, disgusting dinner, and embarrassing pictures. The highlight of post prom was skanking to We Stole This Name's cover of "Dammit", and nearly causing a fatal accident. And then breakfast at 5:30 in the morning. And I still have yet to fully recover.

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Happy 1 month and 1 day, baby. I love you.

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mkp.

Today

is prom.

In about an hour, I will be getting extensions sewn in, and afterwards I will be getting myself ready with Alexis. As for the remainder of the night, I hope it to be as memorable and great as I don't expect it to be. Even with all the annoying appointments, picture-taking, ridiculous time frames my school sets, and other stressful factors I am beginning to feel a little excited.

Other than feeling that, I'm feeling annoyed. I think that people shouldn't flaunt their inconsideration just because they're feeling bitter. They're actually just being rude, selfish, and thoughtless.

Expect pictures in day or so.




mkp.

Haircut.

3 inches. Gone.

Within just moments after my last post, I was thrust into situations deemed way to complex for any 18 year old to have to endure. It is difficult to balance the time spent with family and friends, especially when you favor one group over the other. Satisfying their wants and neglecting your own is even harder. All I know is that things still aren't fine, and that they really won't ever be; but I am so thankful for the people who have helped me out of this hell week. I love you both so much. No need to say who, you know who you are.

Prom is this Thursday. Yummm.




mkp.

Legal.

Today, I am 18 years old.

A resolution between my mother and I, a friend's original song dedicated to me, and a lovely afternoon spent with my girlfriend have made this day the best of all birthdays I've had so far. I wish I could pause time and just keep everything steady like this. I love you.




mkp.

Sugar baby.

I'm only putting this up because I will be turning 18 this Wednesday.
Collages of a few ideas that satisfy my palette!

skirt- A League of Their Own, $50; ballet flats- FAME, $30; embroidered cardigan- ModCloth, $42; necklace, Farfalle, $15; Miss Dior Chérie Eau de Parfum- 3.4 oz. $92.00; dress- ModCloth, $68

wedges- The Dressage, $$90; sandals- Ecote, $38; cutoff shorts- Forever 21, $18; bracelet- Fred Flare, $20; tunic- ModCloth, $45; suede fringe bag- Urban Outfitters, $ 60

lace and cotton dress- Built by Wendy, $298; laced heels- Sweet Life by Dolce Vita, $128; necklace- Circa 78, $38; tiered skirt- Built by Wendy, $145; boots- Doc Martens, $115; clutch- Kimchi Blue, $68

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mkp.

Sprig.

Happy Birthday, Kelsey!

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ink, watercolor, pencil on paper.

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The benefit of being sick is being able to stay home from school.

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mkp.

Let Your Hair Down.

CURRENT OBSESSION:

I bought these yesterday while I was rummaging through some boutiques and stores downtown, along with some cute dresses and skirts and other summer staples. I love them! They look like ballet flats, with a gladiator influence or something. I rarely buy anything for myself other than art supplies anymore, and so this was a real treat. I feel that when summer comes, the disgusting weather won't bother me as much, if I look good.

Also, I'm going to prom. I'm a little bummed that I won't be able to go with Crystal, but I am going with one of my good friends! I'm not really excited for prom, itself; I'm just excited for dressing up and stuff. Originally, I had planned to get my dress made. It would have been a pale pink, with a bustier top and ruffled skirt. But considering how close I am to prom, it would be too difficult and stressful. Looking for a similar dress was not easy either. Its difficult to find a pale pink dress in a sea of fuchsia's and bubble gum's. So instead, I bought a black dress, with layers of ruffles extending from the top to the bottom, where it hits my knee. Its very delicate and pretty. But a bit plain and boring. And frankly, shapeless. I'm planning on edging it out a bit. Maybe a studded belt wrapped around my waist, or some statement jewelry, or a bejeweled clutch... But I am definitely going to get some bold shoes. Hopefully something similar to one of these:

Steve Madden.

Jeffrey Campbell.

Dolce Vita.

I really like the first and third ones, but they're all a bit pricey ($128-$134), and definitely past my budget.

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Anyways, that's enough of useless rambling for now. I'm really tired. I woke up early. And after walking for hours in downtown LA yesterday, I glued myself to my phone for a few hours and later snuck Crys in. And then spent a few more hours yapping away on the phone after she left. I feel like napping. I'm sick, so maybe I won't have to go to school tomorrow!

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mkp.