There is nothing as lucky, as easy, or free.

Its funny─the way these things work.

Its almost as if she was just waiting for us all along. And I know she's been put out of her suffering, but I just can't stop myself from crying.

R.I.P. Virginia Geining Raymundo.

You are loved and missed.




mkp.

Delayed.

I am past the point of feeling overwhelmed. Now I'm just going to pretend my problems don't exist. I don't know if that's better or worse.

I went to San Francisco this weekend to visit some family over there. Its funny how a false alarm can bring us together like that. No, actually its pretty sad. I only wish things could have been done much sooner. I need to stop procrastinating. I need to stop pushing people away.


They're giving her 2 weeks.



mkp.

Must. Not. Nap.

Exhaustion. Weariness. Dull. Faint. Weak. Fatigue. TIRED.

I have already downed 2 cups of coffee in order to control my mind and body from collapsing. I want to desperatley study for a quiz and work on homework, or at least work on some art, but I cannot confine my fingers to a pencil, to a sheet of paper, to a desk. I want nothing more than to sleep, sleep, sleep.

Many friends are on their way to KAIROS as I type this. What I feel for their coming-experience is pure excitement and joy. No, those aren't the right words, but they're the first words that come to mind.

I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk are winding

And all the lights that lead us there are blinding

There are many things that I would like to say to you

But I don't know how.

Today was weird. I have a lot to think about.

And tomorrow, I will surely die from running a mile in Lifetime Fitness.

mkp.

Ten Fingers.

Three day weekends are relevant to sleeping in, knocking out at 3 a.m., mix cds, the sims 2, fast food indulgence, guitar-playing, late-night painting, compulsive music-downloading, texting, shoplifting, wearing layers, adventures at target, the ten fingers game, reading great books for the second or third time, and being with old and new friends.
I don't want it to end. I've only been in school for just a week, and I already want it to be over with. What happened to "having expectations for the rest of the semester?" Fuck it. I'm done with homework and trying to impress my parents and trying to hold an intelligent conversation with a bunch of idiots who think that the best thing to do during their weekends is party and get faded. I have a lot of shit to read and homework to complete before class tomorrow.

Confining myself to a textbook is difficult and annoying to do.




mkp.

Sleep Tonight.

I need to work on not being a zombie everyday and ending this terrible case of senioritis. The classes I am taking call for actual work that needs to be completed on time. And there is no room for failure.

Second semester started Monday. I want to say that I'm going to make the most of it, since its my last semester of high scool and all, but thats what I always say. And I always end up pushing everything that should matter to the point where I'm so overwhelmed by them that they don't have any significance to me anymore. I hope that won't happen. I have a lot of hopes for the rest of the semester.

For your merriment, here is my schedule:
1. U.S. Government│Keller
2. Survey│Moran
3. Chemistry│Jackson
4. Art, Culture & Literature│Snider
5. Girls Lifetime Fitness│Urbach
6. Advanced Art│Mullich.

Also, my sleeping schedule's been fucked for a while. Now that school's back in session, I need to get used to being in bed by midnight instead of knocking out at 4 a.m. So far, I've been largely unsuccessful. I end up coming home exhausted, and by 6 p.m. I surrender to 7-hour naps. When I do wake up, I stay up with absolutely nothing to do for 5 hours until its time to leave for school. Today, I was told by a friend not to participate in my daily napping session, and instead tire myself out so that I'd be comfortably asleep by 11:00. I think it will happen, finally.

I have so many things to look forward to. Everything is fine, and I am accepting everything that is not fine for what it is.

Goodnight.




mkp

///////

I can't sleep. My thoughts are taking over my brain.
Shit's hard, man.

BLOCK.

I can't paint a single thing and its making me miserable.

-----

I want to write a letter to everyone I know telling them how I feel. But my problem is that I'm hung up on far too many insignificant things. I'm indecisive. I don't let things go. I pretend feelings that aren't there still exist. Everyone tells me that I'm better off now. But I just believe that people think my life is glamorous or something. Maybe they're right. It would be wrong for me to move backwards.

But I guess all I want is for someone to wrap me up in their arms long enough for everything not to matter anymore. I think that would be the answer to all my problems.




mkp.

p.s. I love you, Shelley.

Blah Blah Blah

"I'ma be all right, you ain't gotta be my friend tonight.
And I'ma be okay, you would probably bore me anyway. "




-mkp

So this is the new year.

2009.

I spent waiting for the arrival of the new year with my mom and sister. The truth is that I CAN'T STAND New Years Eve, or the stupid celebration that comes along with it, anyways. Every Year, it is the same: a group of friends gather to get completely shitfaced, a couple gazes lovingly into each others' eyes, counting down the seconds to their midnight kiss, everyone sets themselves up with resolutions they may never achieve--to lose weight, to quit smoking, to become a better person. Some of us even forget about our resolutions when the end of the year approaches. But we do it anyways, all for some change we hope to witness within ourselves. And do any of us ever witness this immaculate change? Sure, maybe a few of us will. But most of us don't. I know I have changed a lot since last year, but I never expected it, nor did I pledge it through some stupid man-made yearly tradition or assign myself to some sort of self-penance. The change just happened when it wanted to.

Mainly I find this entire thing as a big excuse for let-downs. A boyfriend and girlfriend who were once so in love with each other will later decide that it wasn't meant to be. My friends will fill out surveys and type in "I don't remember" or "No" to the questions regarding if they were able to keep their New Year's Resolution. And I would probably find myself puking my eyes out over the toilet the next morning. I don't mean to sound like a hater, but every year, it just brings about disappointment.

So for those of you who partied all night, I hope your morning-afters weren't too bad; to those who stood next to their significant other and counted down 3,2,1, I wish you both well; and for those who made resolutions, I hope you stay true to them and won't let yourselves down.



I have no expectations for this year. That night turned out exactly how I wanted it to: with my family, and we stayed up together with glasses of Sparking Cider, waiting for my dad. And I was just happy to be in bed by 3.





mkp