++++

Generally, I am an open-minded person. I believe I give everyone and everything a fair shot. I try to see all sides of the spectrum. I try to understand and respect where people come from, regardless of whether or not I agree with their stance. I try to accept, and I try not to judge. But even though I appear to be open, I am pretty closed off. I’m not afraid to express my opinions, but I’m terrified of making myself look vulnerable. I have a tendency to act upon how I feel, but I can also overanalyze my every move. I’ve never had a problem with making friends, but I’ve always had problems trusting others. But for some reason, I decided to let those walls down today. And my god, do I feel lifted.





mkp.

Sleeping In.

I've been on medication for the past two or so days, to treat a serious allergic reaction to a spider bite on my left wrist. Consequently, I've been loopy and groggy lately. There was no class today, so I allowed myself the luxury of sleeping in. Hadn't done that in a while. When I finally decided to get up, I checked my phone for the time and for any missed calls or messages during my time to myself. The screen read "11:42, November 11". November 11, already? I sat up instantly after realizing this. It's ridiculous how much everything I've done has been directed by the events that occurred within this day, seven years ago. I'm wondering now, if I'm finally free from its grasp? I am a lot stronger now, compared to 12 yr old, 15 yr old, 18 yr old Marie. I feel like I've grown up a lot. Crystal told me once that she envies me for my self-control. Never, ever expected to hear that at all.
I think that this year, I won't cry. Not even once. I'll be sad, but I think for once I'll have my shit together, and I'll be able to do things without having to sob every five minutes and think of you. I think this means that I've finally accepted what's happened. I know I say that every year, but I don't know, this time feels different, maybe. It feels like I finally have control over things. So with all that being said...

Leo, I miss you always. It's still hard, but I am fine. I finally know that I will be alright without you. Rest in peace.




mkp.

/////

"What is it? My dear?"
"Ah, how can we bear it?"
"Bear what?"
"This. For so short a time. How can we sleep this time away?"
"We can be quiet together, and pretend -- since it is only the beginning -- that we have all the time in the world."
"And everyday we shall have less. And then none."
"Would you rather, therefore, have had nothing at all?"
"No. This is where I always have been coming to. Since my time began. And when I go away from here, this will be the mid-point, to which everything ran, before, and from which everything will run. But now, my love, we are here, we are now, and those other times are running elsewhere."

--A.S. Byatt, Possession