&

"Well, the pleasure - the priviledge is mine.
Oh, there is a light that never goes out."




mkp.

Lovefool.

I fool myself into believing that its all over and everything's done with. But all it took were a few short seconds, and suddenly, there I was, within your grasp again. And for that night, you were mine. I could say, "I love you", and I wouldn't feel awkward about it. I mean, you said it right back. I won't say I didn't enjoy it. It felt safe, and familiar, and sweet. And it still feels real to me, so much so, that I felt it chilling down my spine. Truth be told, I miss it. I can't help but want to hold your hand when we are driving in your car, or hug your limp body when you're crying, or even place my cold feet between yours in your warm bed. But you are not mine to love anymore. I'm so torn.

I thank you for your honesty. It feels good to know that I'm not the only one feeling this way. It feels good to know that I'm still loved and wanted and adored by you. But for the time being, I guess I will pretend this didn't happen. I will continue just being your friend. And maybe when you start working, you'll forget all about me and move on. Or, maybe not. We'll see.




mkp.

Pull.

I found an old diary I kept when I was 10-12 years old. In it were pages filled with my loopy, childish scribbles, describing my dreams and lists of things I wanted, and doodles of my future wedding gowns. But there were also things that I had written that I had absolutely no memory of. Events I had documented, which I could not recall. Things that occurred, but I could not believe. I spent hours thinking to myself, wondering if it really happened. I spent hours actually believing I was insane. And then suddenly, I felt his tight grip around my wrists. I was small again. I was helpless and weak, and no one would believe me. His tongue slithered down my throat, and all I tasted was his cigarettes. I pulled away, and he pulled me by my hair, as his sharp, prickly face brushed away at my innocence.

And then the memories came back up, and one by one they each hit me like a bullet to the head. I’m not crazy. These things happened. And they’ve happened to me.

I was a fantastic liar. I fooled everyone all these years into believing that it was nothing, myself included. I blocked out these events from my memory, as if I merely turned them off like a light switch. How, how did I pull it off?




mkp.

Paradox.

I watched Inception for the first time recently. It was beautiful and complex. It made sense to me, the fact that people can so easily lose themselves within their dreams... but even more than that, people can also lose themselves through their desires, their addiction, their work or reputation, even their relationships. Sometimes, reality can appear hazy, and what is truly actual is not within our grasp. I used to venture out into the caverns of my imagination, to escape the uncompromising tendencies that world offered me. And for once, I felt that I finally had control over something. I did not have to succumb to the inevitable trap of time, nor deal with the stupid inconsideration of others. I did not have to feel sad or angry or so empty all the time, and it was liberating. Whether I still do that is unknown.. or I just can't remember.
-------------------------------
I keep waking up, expecting to find you sleeping right next to me. Where did you go? I could have sworn you were here a second ago.. I can vividly remember you kissing the skin behind my ear, and our fingers locking together, as we cuddled and danced beneath the sheets. I will check my phone compulsively to see if you've texted or called me at some time. And then after I have given up on waiting for you, I will lay my head down and find my way back to sleep. And then finally, you come back to me, and I am all yours again. But no, there is not another body lying in this bed to keep me warm. Those are not your long, slender fingers folded over the back of my hand. That hot breath I feel whipping the back of my neck is just a projection. You are gone.

I was dreaming this whole time, and I've finally woken up.




mkp.

Fleeting.

I got home last night at 4 in the morning.

She asked me about it earlier, but I refused to tell her. I played it off, turned my back and pretended to sleep. Knowing her, she noticed, but was probably too tired to care. I'm kind of glad I didn't tell her, considering how the night ended. But at the same time, I wish I had someone I could turn to when things went wrong. Part of that is my doing; I'm always fucking stuck behind this wall. Just wish I had someone to talk to and keep me company. Just wish I could talk to her again, cause I don't necessarily feel like I have a best friend anymore. To me, she is; but I don't think she feels the same about me. It's like she's outgrown me, or like I'm just not on the same level as her anymore. Even worse yet, I feel as if I've been replaced. I'm tired of putting all of my effort into something that doesn't reciprocate that same effort back.

I don't like this. I really don't.




mkp.