So now, I'm here.
Today was a rather good day.
Not good in an eventful sense, but it was good in the sense of recollection, of somesort.
"This is the moment that you know
That you told her that you loved her but you don't.
You touch her skin and then you think
That she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me..."
I feel that I've been holding up much better.
Surprisingly things have somewhat improved with my family. My mom and I actually had a conversation today. And we weren't even yelling at each other, we were just talking. And we were talking without wanting to rip each other's heads off. Melissa and I got along once we got home. I helped her with a paper she needed to write for english on "The Black Cat" by Edgar Allan Poe. I like that story a lot, and I figured that she needed help. And I don't usually get asked for help by her too often, so I happily obliged. She gave me a smile and a "thank you" not too long ago right before she went to bed. It feels nice to be an older sister.
"...I wanted to believe in all the words that I was speaking,
As we moved together in the dark
And all the friends that I was telling
All the playful misspellings
and every bite I gave you left a mark..."
Also, I had a nice and much needed talk with Lindsay about life after class. There's so much that I've learned from this woman, and I can say that I am eternally grateful for everything she has done for me. I've known her for years now, and we have a relationship that is more than teacher and student; she has become a great friend. Sometimes, I feel that it is too difficult to accept her generosity. I've fucked up so many times, and yet she can still smile and say that I'm a good person, that she's proud of me. I sometimes feel that my name and the words, "good person" cannot coexist in the same sentence, like its some sort of grammatical error.
"...So one last touch and then you'll go
And we'll pretend that it meant something so much more
But it was vile, and it was cheap
and you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me."
There's such a sad and elegant beauty that comes with this song.
I've had it on repeat now and it just encapsulates that moment when mind, body, and soul come together and just know and understand shit. I've been on both sides of the song. It's the love and the hate of surrender, and ultimately it is inevitable.
It is the door that closes and the one that opens beside it.
That's where I am right now.
mkp
