I'm so tired of being here.
Since 9:oo this morning, the house has been filled with nothing but hate. We have no respect for each other here. I missed my scheduled detention due to this morning's surprising turn of events. My mother refused to take me. She called me an "irresponsible, lazy, out of control girl" she had as a daughter. And I couldn't just let her get away with that, though its practically true. Of course, I had to go and defend myself. Of course, I had to make matters much worse. And so while we were going at it, my sister somehow got involved. And so all three of us were just fucking yelling at each other, and I looked at my dad. He looked sick and pale and the expression on his face was just so empty, though I know it was merely a disguise hiding everything he wished he could but couldn't say.
My dad left at 11:00. But before he did, he pulled me aside and told me that I needed to fix my relationship with my mom and sister. I laughed. I told him that it would be impossible. And then, tears welled up in my dad's eyes. And as a few of those tears escaped, he let out in a single breath, "What did I do to deserve this?"
Silenced, i ran straight into my room. Locked the doors, hid under the covers, and turned up my music real loud, but not loud enough to hide the noises of his sreeching tires as he drove away.
I am STILL here.
They've given up on trying to get me out of my room, and finally, things are silent. But there is still a hostility that fills the air. I'm too terrified to leave my room even to get a glass of water. I've imprisoned myself. But how am I to make things better?
How can I fix things with my sister if she refuses to even be within 5 ft. of me? How do I fix things with my mom when she can't even look at me? I am never going to be enough for her. I am just her fucked up daughter without a direction in life, just getting by.
What is the poing of trying to prove her wrong, when those attempts will be shortlived? What is the point of going to an art school, in hopes of making a career out of something which I am passionate for when I will end up unsuccessful? What is the point of me trying to obtain 100 days of sobriety if I will just end up relapsing anyways?
What is the point of freely giving him second chances when I will just be let down in the end?
What is the point of it all?....
I really just wish my dad would come home.
