Back in high school, my class was asked who their personal heroes were. Just about every answer was the same. Everyone said "my mother". And while those answers piled up. in my head, I said "never". I have never ever in my entire life aspired to be like my mother. And now at twenty years-old, I still sure as hell don't ever want to be like her. It stuns me sometimes, when I walk past a mirror too quickly. Everyday, I am looking even more like her. Sometimes, I even do things that lie parallel to her own actions. Those are the days when I hate myself most. My biggest fear is to end up like her, and it's a worry that plagues my every day and night. It's because of her that I don't want kids. I don't think I could take the risk and end up being absolutely terrible to them. But if I am ever destined to be a mother, I will try with every fibre of my being to not end up like mine. I will never be embarrassed of my children for their hairstyles or the clothes on their backs. I will never deliberately lie to my children, especially after being confronted again and again. I will not humiliate them out in public, weigh them after the holidays just to taunt them, abuse them physically and/or verbally, or choose their career paths for them. Never will I demean him/her if they come out to me as queer. I will not steal from them, and then tell them to make better decisions about their money and spending habits. Nor will I slap their faces, drag them by the hair, or spit at them. I will not be like Mom. Instead, I will love them. Even when it gets hard, I will try my best to still love them. If I ever have children, I will love them no matter how they look, what they believe in, or what they choose to do with their lives. I will welcome them always with open arms. I will believe in them. And I will believe them if they reveal to me that something traumatic has occurred to them. I won't give it any second thought. I will believe them and go with them to the end of it all.
And still, after all that, I will love them.
mkp.
