When Jarrett is sad, it is nearly impossible to deal with. He puts up a wall that is too tough to tear down. And because this week doesn't permit us from having and contact with each other, I was excited to get to see him for a few minutes in the morning. But instead of being excited to see me, he was groggy and sad. The entire day, I felt depressed because sometimes, I wonder if this relationship is really worth it. It means everything to me, but I cannot stand to know that it brings him down and it makes him upset. I took a nap when I came home from school, and when I woke up, I received a message from him, telling me how he thinks I deserve better and how he doesn't think he is deserving of me and can make me happy, blah blah, blah.
Annoyed, I log onto my tumblr. Scroll, scroll, scroll. I come across this audio post coupled together with a picture of the cover art for 'North" by Something Corporate. Expecting to hear "Space" or "As You Sleep", I pressed play. What came out instead was a piano tune I was more than familiar with... "Konstantine". I jerked up, eyes wide and my mouth parted slightly. I couldn't even fully explain what this song once meant to me. How it once expressed everything I felt. How after listening to it for so long, I identified with it. I would spell "constant" with a "k", and I would nickname myself her "konstantine". How I could listen to this song, and know that in these moments, I really loved her, and I loved all of her. And how for the first time in my life, I did not have sex, but rather, I made love to her to this song. And afterwards, I would sing her these words and trace them into her skin, and she would call me her "konstant" because I was konstantly there for her. How our relationship–in all of it's beauty and awful , deteriorating splendor–would be THIS song. And how every time I listened to this song, I listened to her. Everytime I heard that piano melody, it would mean something to me. It had been one year and three months since I listened to it.
I slowly laid myself back down and stared up into my ceiling and just listened to every word that used to be me. And listened to every word that used to be her. And when Andrew starts singing, "Did you know I miss you", I started crying. Because I do miss her, I miss her very much. And though I do not have those feelings for her anymore, I will not deny that I did love her. And though that relationship completely destroyed me in the end, I cannot deny that I was the happiest I had ever been. And this song, this beautiful song, will always mean that to me. This song which I deleted off my computer because it would bring me to tears, brought me to tears tonight. But they were not sad tears, no. They were happy.
And after the nine minutes of that song, it's back to reality again. But first before anything, I will reply to Jarrett's email.
mkp.
