Disconnect.

[the beginning stages of my newest painting...]

I forget how easy it is to lose yourself during a cry in a hot shower. There's something so inviting about letting your emotions seep through, while your back is being splashed by scalding hot water. I leave the shower with red marks scattered across my body, and blood dripping from my nose. I feel very connected to the girls I'm painting. I've found a new muse: blood. And it seems that while I'm ever-so connected to my artwork, I feel disconnected to everyone else. Right after Halloween, I just kind of locked myself away. I stopped attending class, I distanced myself from friends, I couldn't speak to Jarrett because of his work schedule. The only things keeping me company were the many voices squirming around in the grey spaces of my head.

Today, a friend took one look at me and asked me what was wrong. I threw on a smile and told her I was just lacking sleep. Am I really that see-through? Is my body that transparent, you could easily take one look and see what ailed or repressed me? I used to be so good at covering things up and only showing people what I wanted them to know. When people can read me so easily like that, I want to disappear. But at the same time there's a part of me that wants to tell them everything, and scream in their faces that no, not everything is okay, and yes, there is something very wrong. I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. Not to my family, not to my boyfriend, not even to my best friend. For someone who is so in touch with her feelings, I can't ever fucking articulate how I feel.

mkp.