"The mirror always shows truth; It's the heart of the viewer that distorts it".
I did this in my car, using my reflection in the rear-view mirror as reference, during the twenty minutes before class. Self-portraits are especially difficult for me. Every time I've ever drawn a self-portrait, I have "beautified" myself. I'm guilty of making my nose look that much smaller, trimming off some extra weight that I'm self-conscious about, lightening the color of my skin, purposely giving myself small breasts because I hate my boobs. Sometimes, it isn't until afterwards when I realize what I've done. And it always starts episodes of self-loathing, because I don't look like that, and quite frankly, I probably never will. So today, I really tried to draw myself as I am.
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Something happened at home today. There was a lot of screaming and crying. My neighbor had to knock on the front door to ask if everything was okay. The panel on my door broke off again from the slam, handfuls of my hair were cleaned up from the floor, fist met face again, but I still didn't fight back. Instead, I left. I grabbed my phone and my keys and just drove off. I was hysterically crying, to the point where my eyes were burning and all I saw were blurs and bright lights. I was speeding like a maniac, stamping hard on my breaks whenever I met a red. I needed to calm down. But I didn't want to be alone. I called my ex, but I knew she wouldn't pick up. I drove to my friend's dorm, and waited outside his door for a good ten minutes, until I figured he wasn't home. Lastly, I dialed your number. I called three times. And when you didn't answer, I stopped crying. I stopped feeling anything. Because I know I fucked up with you. I know you're upset with me, even though you claim you're not. Whenever I try to start a conversation with you, it's ignored or quickly dismissed. I fucking hate that. We used to talk for hours a day, and now we barely say hello. I know you've read my blog. S0, I'm just going to put this out there: I'm sorry. I acted without thinking. It was a tender moment, and we when we were lying down together, I swear our hearts began beating at the same time. What happened that night was real. My feelings were on the line, just as much as yours were. So please don't think I used you. I would never, and you know I never would. I acted accordingly to how I felt, and it felt right. But when you asked me, and I told you I couldn't... its because I care too much about you. Yes, I miss being close to you. I want to be your friend. I just got out of a relationship with someone who made me believe I'd be with her for the rest of my life, and quite frankly I'm not over it. You deserve someone who is beautiful and wonderful and honest, and will give you their all and make you a priority. I cannot give that to you. I need to learn to pick myself back up again. I need to be able to make myself feel okay. I need to be able to look myself in the mirror and smile, and be okay with the person staring back.
mkp.
