I’ve always been insecure about many things. Aside from the way I look, I’ve always felt sensitive when it came to admitting that I deserve to be loved and appreciated every now and then. Whenever I got treated unfairly, I accepted it, believing that somehow I deserved whatever it was. I always come in at second best, and I’m rarely ever good enough. Sometimes, I feel like I’m undeserving of the tenderness Jarrett has given me. Sometimes, I feel so naive and young around him, and I wonder what he possibly sees in me that he can’t see in anyone else. Especially in someone who doesn’t live 4,000 miles, and $700 away. Earlier today, one of my close friends revealed some of the trials that have recently surfaced between her and her girlfriend. Since her relationship is also long-distance, I immediately wondered if the same things would happen to me and Jarrett when he came to visit. I wondered what would happen if he stepped off the plane and realized that maybe he was wrong about me. What if I fail to make him happy? What if I don’t meet his expectations? What if I’m actually not what he wants? Sometimes, these thoughts and ideas make me doubtful. And tonight when he saw me so worried about it all, I could tell it hurt him. More than he wanted to admit to. We ended that call with the both of us a little cold. I left to go off and sleep, while he left me an email. The latter part of it read, “Its pretty unbearable, I’m sorry I’m so sad sometimes. I really hope you don’t have doubts about us and what we are doing. I love you”. I feel like I’m asking for so much. This relationship requires so much time, so much patience, honesty and trust, endless fines of money, and every extra ounce of effort we can muster up. It’s draining sometimes. But in all and complete honestly, I have never felt anything like this before. And it’s a beautiful thing, how beautiful he makes me feel. I know happiness, now that I know Jarrett. And I just want him to be happy. Whether it’s with me or without me, I just want what is best for him. If he ever comes to the realization that maybe I am not what it best for him, then I will have to learn to let that go. The left side of my head has grown so much hair in the past two weeks. What was once a field of soft stubble has now become outlined with dark fuzz, completely encasing any memory of my half-bald head. I can’t wait to get rid of it tomorrow. I can’t wait to let it go. The time to shave the half of my head again has never come at a more proper time. There are things that I desperately need to let go of. And there are things I want and need to hold on to and fix.
mkp.
