It's been a while since I've written on here. In all honesty, I've been itching to update this, but I've been extremely busy since I returned from Kairos last week. The make-up work, assignments, papers due, weekly readings, drawing-a-day's and paintings to complete have all piled up and towered before me. I've put a hold on my sleep and my social life. The only reason why I am even able to type this right now is because I am far too tired to paint. But today was a good day. I went to see some galleries in Culver City with some friends from school (I'll post photos tomorrow), and I am already planning my next trip.
On the way back to the valley, Monica, Zeina, Justin, and I got stuck in lovely 5:00 traffic. So we took this time to get to know each other. Taking turns, we asked each other questions. A majority of them were silly, some pertained to our inspirations and muses as artists, and a handful were rather personal. When it was my turn to answer again, I was asked, "How did you get to be so confident?" Immediately, my face bore a look of confusion. I am not confident at all--in any shape, way or form, I thought to myself. It was revealed by my newly-made friends that at "my young age", I carried myself with confidence, accomplishment, and stability which they all longed to possess. I did not get it. These words do not describe me at all. I am self-conscious, jobless even, and I have never known real consistency, for I seem to have stumbled through every pathetic stage of life thus far. From this topic stemmed the question, "What is your biggest failure, and your strongest success?" I knew immediately what my biggest "failure" was. But when it came down to my "success", I drew a blank. I searched my mind for a single time when I was proud of myself, a time when I felt happy and infinite. And during these instances of my running through my memories, I saw the sheen sixteen brilliant lights. The lights of the sixteen beautiful Kairos kids I've led. I remember the first time I led last year, and how shy and worried I was. A year later, I've taken the role of the "more experienced" co-leader. I was not shy at all. I was confident. And when both retreats reached their end, I felt a sense of accomplishment I had never felt before, and I felt more than happy; I felt infinite, strong, stable, for the first time. And in all honesty, I've been very happy lately. I'm not putting on a fake smile for anyone nowadays, and I'm not shying from my beliefs like I used to. I'm not finding any reason to have to pretend to be something. I realize now, that I no longer notice when I am pretending to be confident. Sure, there are tons of things that I dislike about myself. A fuck-ton, to say the least. But I'm tired of having those things anchor me down all the time. I want to let them go, and I want to be free of them forever. Because it doesn't matter. There are those sixteen bright lights that make it clear to me how capable, strong, and worth it I am. My beautiful friends who remind me how fantastic life can truly be, even when it likes to fuck with me every now and then. My boyfriend, who loves me for everything I am, accepting everything I know, experience, and feel, and everything I hate about myself. I'm surprised I didn't realize all of this sooner, or last night, even.
"You really don't have to if you aren't comfortable with it."
"But... I want to show you. And I want you to see me. I want you to see all of me."
mkp.
