There have been several breakdowns, with very few break-through's, transpiring around me lately. There was my best friend who called me on Friday, hysterically crying about a betrayal, and on the verge of ending things with her boyfriend. There was another friend who called me a few days ago, insulted and abandoned at a time when she needed someone to be there. There was this morning when I couldn't make it to my three-hour Philosophy 150 class because of a flat tire, risking my seat in the class. There was tonight, where I met up with three others to help clean up an destructively abusive, insecure, flat-out morose mess tainted with cigarette smoke and alcohol. Tomorrow, I return to Northridge, yet again, in hopes of intervening, mending, fixing. And once all of this has been taken care of, I can go right back to panicking over the five paintings due on Tuesday, which I'm more than 50% sure won't be completed by then (please, sweet baby Jesus, help me now at my time of need). I can already feel the stress and anxiety crawling under my skin. I'm listening to Jarrett's music because it's the only thing that can calm me down like a cigarette can do. I'm tired. My whole body feels like it's made of chalk. I feel as if I'm carrying everyone's burdens on my back, as I'm merely trying to just swim along. And it's drowning me a little bit. Is that terrible for me to say? Does that make me a bad friend? My body is tired from my mind over-thinking itself over the concerns that belong to those other than myself. I feel like I'm just stuck here. Stuck here to fix everything again. I can't even think of me for even a split-second.
Today, I woke up to a sweet surprise left for me by Jarrett on my facebook wall. It was a cover of him singing "Promising Light" by Iron & Wine. The video begins with him looking into the camera, slightly smiling, and saying, "good morning". I've openly admitted to watching the video countless times today, just to hear him say those two words over, and over again. How comforting and reassuring, those two words are to me. A good morning. A fresh start. A new beginning, of some sort.
Please, let tomorrow start with a good morning, indeed.
mkp.
