I don't think I'm really meant to have friends... or to have lasting friendships, for that matter. Almost every person who has ever been graced with the title of "best friend" has betrayed me at some some point, and abandoned me during a time when I really needed them. I try to be the kind of friend that I would lucky to have. I try to always be there for the people who mean most to me. I guess it's somewhat childish and naive to expect that in return. I need to learn to do nice things, and not expect that same degree of kindness and loyalty expressed to me back. I called you sometime this weekend, hoping you could spare ten minutes to talk, especially since I hadn't talked to you almost two weeks. Like I expected, you didn't answer my call. I never thought I'd be thrown into this category, bunched together with your distant friends, whom you ignore calls & texts from, never bothering to speak to. But whenever YOU call, or text or ask for my company, I agree to it. Without any hesitation. No matter how busy with schoolwork I may be. I asked you yesterday if I could call you today so we could just talk, but now I don't think I will. Why should I tell you about all my ails and repressions, or just even let you in on all the grey matter squirming around in my mind, when you simply do not care? You're not a good friend, really. It's taken me THIS long to finally admit that. Sometimes, I wish I were more impulsive like Clementine, just so I could erase everything that's happened and start again. Or be brave like Enid and disappear from this town only to never return again. I watch these films and find myself almost too attached to the unconventional leading women because they remind me so much of myself. Last night, I watched "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo". Lisbeth Salandar is by far one of the most intriguing female heroines in both the books and the films. She's dealt with murder, abuse, harassment, molestation and rape, yet she is smart, independent, courageous. Her strength is unmatched. But I am nothing like her. I'm unimportant, weak, shy, easily hurt. I pretend feelings that aren't real still exist. I hold on to things because I don't know how to let go.
As Lisbeth said, "you should never fall in love." She is so fucking right.
mkp.
