Today, I got a text from her, proposing a hang out after class so she could stay away from home for a while. So right after class, I rushed myself. She was sad, but it was understandable, considering all the shit she's been through in the past dew days. I hugged her tightly and stayed like that in the Pho 999 parking lot for a while. Just hugging, because I didn't know what else I could say or do. But after lunch, things livened up a bit. We blasted annoying tween songs on the radio on our way to picking up my sister from swim. We blew candles off leftover cupcakes and stuffed ourselves until we were beyond full. We kind of worked on my Abstract painting (which I have given up on). We surrendered to our food coma and found ourselves collapsed on my bed, as we just talked, and laughed, and played. And even though I had fun, the moment she left, I immediately felt a slight pang of sadness. Because I couldn't comfort her the way I used to when she looked like she had been crying all day. I couldn't wrap my arms around her long enough so she could just bury her face into my chest and cry as I stroked her hair. I couldn't tightly hold her hand and promise her that everything would be okay. I couldn't sit right next to her as we ate our soup and rest my hand on her knee. This was the first time we had eaten in a restaurant where we sat facing each other, as opposed to sitting side by side. It makes me sad, but I am trying to overlook it. Because we are still friends. Because she still trusts me and opens up to me. And because I'm tired of feeling so pathetic all the time. I don't know if she still reads this thing, but if she does, I want her to know that everything will be fine.
A few moments after she left, I found a message someone had left in my ask box that read "at the risk of sounding creeper status, you left your stuff logged in at the art lab at csun and once i logged you out, i decided to check out your blog. just thought i would say hi". And it was the beginning of an extremely long conversation which included that of Andrea Gibson, dancers, beautiful women, nude modeling, addiction and sobriety, teaching, the photography dark-room process, gestural drawings, awkward moments in clubs, gender identity, good brands of hairspray, and my little painting series. I've never met this girl before, but in the span of five hours, I've managed to tell her more than I've probably told some of my friends. And I feel really glad to know that I've made a new friend tonight.
Here are three other things that currently fill my heart with warmth:
A delightfully touching animated short French film.
Ellie Goulding's sweet-sounding cover of The Knife's "Heartbeats".
One of my favorite poems by Andrea Gibson that makes me feel hopeful and happy without me having to be in love with anyone in particular.
mkp.
