I've been wanting to write for so long. But my internet was shit, and I didn't have a reliable computer, so now that I'm typing this up on my slow desktop, all the things I had originally wanted to write about are of no real importance anymore. The only thing on my mind is leaving. Perhaps it's just a little fantasy of mine... to pack up all my things one day and go off to some random place without telling anyone, on a whim; to leave unhesitantly and to never return. Of course, that's just a fantasy... I'd have to leave everything and everyone I love all behind. No more weekly paint sessions with Lindsay, no more sleepovers with Liz, no more little kickbacks with friends at Shell's. No more Harry Potter movie marathons, baking extravaganzas, waking up in the comfort of my cozy, little, pink room. And not to mention, life would be hard. So to backtrack a little, I had a great combined birthday party (though I missed the company of 2 other celebrants who also happen to be 2 close friends). I eased a little tension with her new girlfriend, and covered for her. I didn't want to, but I'm trying to be the bigger person, here. I got closer to someone who used to only be a friend you saw at parties, and to another whom I only spoke to on tumblr. And today, I was visited by an old high school friend who treated me to Thai dinner after watching The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. But I can't help but look at all these great things I've got going on for me, and have my head filled with the desire to leave it all behind and just be on my own. I feel stupid and weak for my attachment to certain people, as if I can't rely and trust only myself. I feel pathetic when my feelings are hurt and when I cry over fickle situations and poeple who don't deserve my tears. I feel like my name carries too much of a reputation that my identity doesn't fit into. I love it here, I really do. But I also hope to leave and never return. And I'll just be that familiar stranger that walks in and out of your dreams. I'll be that distant memory that pops into your head whenever you bite into a cupcake or hear that one Bright Eyes song. I will be that scent you smell when you open up a box full of old memories.
You'll never see me again.
mkp.
